Fic: Falling Is Like This - Chapter 4 of 5
Dec. 1st, 2011 11:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wowbrightChapter title: Thursday's Child Has Far to Go
Characters: Kurt/Blaine pre-dating, Blaine's roommate (OC)
Rating: PG-13 (entire story)
Spoilers: 2.14 (Blame It On the Alcohol). This chapter has references to scenes and characters in the movie Brokeback Mountain.
Warnings: In this chapter, language and brief references to sex acts in a movie the characters have seen.
Word count: About 18,000 overall, 3,229 this part
Summary: The fact the he enjoyed kissing Rachel at the party is confusing for Blaine. But what's more confusing is Kurt.
Chapter Summary: Talking to Rachel and letting her try to dash his hopes last night only made Kurt more sure of Blaine's feelings for him. Now, well …
[Oh, and another thing - I marked this as "genre:romance" in![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
kurt_blaine because it seemed the least poor fit of all the genres, but I have been informed that "genre:angst" could also work. I though angst was for hard stuff like suicide, murder, zombie attacks, brain damage and hate crimes, which is why I didn't use it, but, yeah, there's quite a bit of emotional confusion - er, emotional angst - in here. Personally, I prefer the genre:hurt/comfort tag that beyond_dapper offers, but beggars can't be choosers.]
Thank you, verdandil, for betaing this chapter. Any mistakes or stupidity are mine. Especially since I couldn't stop myself from adding, like, 741 words this morning before I posted. So if anyone sees any errors, please let me know.
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Chapter 4: Thursday's Child Has Far to Go
It is a vagary of the human condition that the confidence and certainty of one day do not often survive to the next.
Talking to Rachel and letting her try to dash his hopes last night only made Kurt more sure of himself, more sure of Blaine's feelings for him, and gave him the thought – perhaps for the first time – that he and Blaine are each other's endgame. He went home and when he got in bed, the fading scent of Blaine on his pillowcases was no longer a taunt, but a promise. He fell asleep quickly.
But now Kurt wakes up to a new day. And, in typical fashion, as the fresh sun rises over Lima, Ohio, fresh thoughts of failure assault Kurt.
Kurt manages to avoid Blaine all day. It isn't that hard. It's Thursday, so there's no Warbler practice and they don't share any classes. All Kurt has to do is keep his cell phone off and be scarce during the in-between times. He walks into Dalton just in time to squeak into first-period French before the bell. He holes up in the chemistry lab at lunch to get ahead on some work. He stays after his last class to ask Ms. Ansari to explain again why the law of cosines holds true for any triangle.
When Kurt finally walks out of the classroom and turns on his phone, he has four messages waiting for him.
He hits send.
When Kurt gets home, he changes into the same outfit he wore yesterday to Rachel's. It's a confidence booster, and he needs that now. Maybe if he knows he looks good, he won't spend the evening worrying about what's going to happen when he talks to Blaine tonight – like, if Blaine will say the date was lovely and he was disappointed that he didn't get a little snog from Rachel. Kurt distracts himself through dinner by talking with Carole about his ideas for a budget version of a living room spread they both admired in Dwell.
And teaching his dad to make soufflé is also a good distraction at first. It requires most of Kurt's concentration, because Burt Hummel isn't quite following, and Kurt has to explain everything three times.
But after they stick the first one in the oven, Kurt's mind starts to wander. He tries to keep his focus by sprinkling the conversation with didactic declarations – "Soufflé is all about the whites; you get yolk in it, or you don't let it stiffen properly, then you might as well be making pancakes" – but he's losing it.
Kurt is irritated by everything.
By the annoying way his dad is sneaking strawberries before the soufflé is ready – and not the ones with the stems still on them, but the ones they've already hulled.
By the thought of Rachel's haughty face.
By the memory of Blaine apologizing for groping him.
By the fact that he's irritated about the apology, because sincere apologies are supposed to be a good thing. And Blaine was so beautiful when he made it. (He always is.)
By the nagging thought that maybe Blaine wasn't apologizing for being disrespectful toward Kurt, but for leading him on.
Because all Blaine really wants is Rachel.
Kurt is beating the egg whites to within an inch of their sorry lives.
"Alright. Check it out," Burt says excitedly, pulling the first soufflé from the oven and proudly displaying it to Kurt. "Ta da!"
That deflated soufflé is totally not worth a "ta da." And Kurt knows it's probably his own fault for hand-beating the whites instead of using the mixer, but that doesn't keep him from rolling his eyes and exhaling loudly. "You didn't leave enough room in the dish to let it rise."
He turns toward the sink for the cream of tartar. And also to look away from his dad. Because he knows he shouldn't have spoken that way, and he knows his dad is going to get petulant about it.
Bingo. "Why are you being so hard on me?" Burt says. "I would've been happy with you teaching me how to make toast."
"I'm sorry, Dad. I know this is supposed to be bonding time, but – " and Kurt's about to make something up about being stressed about an English paper but – oh, what the hell. He might as well say it. His dad's a big boy. He should be able to handle it. Even if Kurt can't.
Kurt sighs for the umpteenth time today and turns around to face his dad. "It's Blaine. He's interested in Rachel."
Burt has this royally pissed look on his face and Kurt's not sure if it's leftover from Kurt's rudeness a few sentences earlier or it's a reaction to what Kurt just said.
"I'm confused," Burt says. "I thought he was gay, too." Kurt does not fail to notice that Burt whips open the refrigerator door and stares at the beer as he says this.
Kurt takes a breath and keeps talking. "Oh, he is. He is. He's just – experimenting."
Burt grabs a bottle and twists off the cap in one motion. "Yeah," Burt snorts. "He's not the only one."
Apparently, this is Kurt's week for conversations that fall apart when he really, really needs them not to. Because now his dad is asking about why exactly Blaine slept over on Saturday night and Kurt finds himself saying, "We were fully clothed the entire time," and, seriously, why should he ever have to say that? His dad, of all people, should now how Kurt Hummel was raised.
But it's like his dad didn't even hear him. Burt goes on about Blaine sleeping over being "inappropriate" and something about sex and do gay guys always do it the way they did in the tent in Brokeback Mountain and – seriously? Brokeback Mountain? Kurt thought his dad was better than that.
So they don't talk about Blaine, about how confusing this is, about how Kurt sometimes feels like his heart is the world's pincushion, and would people just please stop stabbing him there?
Kurt wants to scream, but he manages to stay calm. He usually does when his dad's like this. It's as if, after Kurt's mother died, he and his dad made an unspoken arrangement to take turns losing their tempers, just to keep the remains of their tiny family from collapsing completely.
So Kurt apologizes for letting Blaine sleep over, even though he doesn't mean it.
"Thank you," Burt says.
Kurt turns away. He knows this is supposed to be father-son bonding time, but he really doesn't want to bond with Mr. Everything-I-Know-About-the-Gays-I-Learned-From-Brokeback-Mountain right now.
Kurt is about to stomp off, but suddenly he feels himself hesitating. Because, really, he needs a dad who knows the difference between emotionally stunted cowboys violently fucking on a Wyoming mountainside and his own son falling stupidly, hopelessly, pathetically in love.
So Kurt takes a deep breath and faces his dad, whose eyes are stoic anger and fire. Kurt looks into them, anyway. "But maybe you could step outside your comfort zone and educate yourself." Kurt shrugs. He would hate the hurt and appeasement in his voice if he was talking to anyone but his father, who – even after this snafu – he trusts not to turn it against him. "So if I have any questions, I could go to my dad like any straight son could."
Kurt knows it probably sounds to his dad like he's talking about sex, and maybe he is a little, but it's a lot more than that.
Burt stands there, beer bottle in his hand, looking a little dazed and a little exasperated, and Kurt finally turns away now, walks to the entry way and grabs his hat and gloves. "I'm going for a walk," he calls as he shuts the front door behind him, reaching into his pocket for his phone.
He dials Blaine without even thinking about it.
------------------
Blaine's not sure if he's done something to fuck it all up again or if Kurt's disappearing act today is just a coincidence. All he knows is that it's never been so hard to go without Kurt.
Blaine was so happy today when he woke up. All he wanted was to bring Kurt coffee and tell him how horrible Love Story is. Actually, he almost texted Love Story leaves much to desire to Kurt last night, but he deleted it before sending. He was talking about the movie, but it could just as easily be read as a comment on the date, and how would Kurt interpret that? That Blaine thinks Rachel is a loser? That would be insulting Kurt's friend. That Blaine thinks Rachel is hot but she wouldn't let him get past first base? He totally didn't want Kurt's mind to go there. He didn't want his mind to go there.
All Blaine could think of this morning was that he was going to make things right. This stupid, stupid episode was completely over, and Blaine was going to be a good, dependable friend again and not so fucking confused all the time.
Coffee would be the perfect peace offering, but it turned out to be a little more complicated than it sounds. Blaine didn't want to bring Kurt coffee from the dining hall, because that stuff was Folgers or something equally godawful, and some left-leaning alumnus really needs to create an endowment for the school with the stipulation that only fair trade, shade-grown coffee be served on campus.
So Blaine sheepishly asked Justin to please make an extra espresso on his new cappuccino machine. Pretty please? Justin looked at him askance and said, "You hate espresso."
"It's not for me," Blaine said.
"Well, in that case." And a few minutes later, Justin was pouring a double shot into a travel mug and handing it to Blaine.
"It's not going to stay warm long in that. It's mostly air," said Justin.
"Oh, it's fine. I'm going to add hot cocoa to it in the dining hall."
"That fucking Swiss Miss knockoff? That's an insult to my espresso."
"If you let me do this again, I promise I'll go out and get real mocha ingredients."
"Unless you get real mocha ingredients, I'm not doing this again."
Blaine bolted his breakfast and practically ran to the common room to wait with the makeshift mocha for Kurt. And wait. And wait. He kept checking his phone to see if maybe Kurt had texted him and he hadn't heard it buzz, but no. Kurt was almost never this late. Or, rather, Kurt was almost at least half an hour early to school, and he always came to the common room to wait for the bell. Always.
So Blaine waited and pretended to be Reading Important Things when anyone tried to talk to him and finally the warning bell for first period rang and Kurt still wasn't there.
Blaine left the travel mug on the table and went to class.
In third period, his ears pricked up when someone mentioned borrowing Kurt's French notes from him today. Good. Kurt was at school. He'd see him at lunch.
But then he didn't. And he wanted to ask every single person in the dining hall if they had seen Kurt, but instead he sat down with Wes and asked him how he could improve his performance of "Misery." As expected, Wes had enough feedback to fill the entire lunch period.
When Blaine finally got that text from Kurt after school, he resigned himself to not hearing Kurt's voice until at least nine o'clock.
So, after dinner, Blaine settles on his bed for a long session of staring at his algebra textbook and cursing al-Khwarizmi. He's not long into it when his phone rings. It's too early for it to be Kurt; Blaine grabs his phone eagerly anyway.
And then he sees that it is, indeed, Kurt Hummel flashing across the screen.
Blaine flips his phone open. "Hi, Kurt. How's it going?" He tries to sound casual, not like Were you avoiding me today?
"I can't imagine that it could get much worse," Kurt says on the other end of the line, his voice tremulous.
"Oh." Nonononono. Don't be sad again. "Does this have something to do with why you were so hard to track down at school?"
"No. Not really. It's my dad. We just had a fight."
A lot of guys Blaine knows boast about disputes with their parents like they're badges of honor. Not Kurt. Never Kurt. Blaine kind of loves that about him.
"I'm so sorry, Kurt. What happened?"
"He pulled out Brokeback Mountain."
"He wanted to watch Brokeback Mountain?" Okay, that would be seriously awkward – especially that tent scene – and the Heath-Ledger-and-his-wife-have-yup-that's-probably-anal-sex scene, and the Jake-Gyllenhaal-goes-cruising scene, and the high-altitude-fuck scene – okay, pretty much the whole movie would have been awkward, even with a guy who tries to be as understanding as Kurt's dad. Hell, it's awkward to watch by yourself. "But I thought you guys were making soufflé."
"Yes. We were. But then – "
"Yeah?"
"Well, apparently my dad thinks I have a sex life as portrayed in Brokeback Mountain."
"How did that come up?"
"Perhaps you recall that my father found a young man who may or may not be gay in my bed this weekend."
"Oh. Oh, Kurt. I'm sorry."
"It’s not your fault. Anyway, I told him that nothing happened" – (not for lack of me trying, Blaine thinks, ashamed) – "and I'm pretty sure he believes me. It's just – "
"Yeah?"
"Brokeback Mountain? Is that what my dad sees when he looks at me? He must think I have a terrible life ahead of me."
"And a really unpleasant sex life."
"Blaine – "
"Sorry, Kurt. They're just not very affectionate. At all affectionate." Blaine was drunk on Saturday and gropey gropey, and he was still way more affectionate than that asshole Ennis Del Mar.
"Blaine."
"Sorry."
"It's just – When Dad looks at Finn, does he see some depressing movie about straight people who ruin each other's lives? No, he sees Finn."
"Kurt – "
"What?"
Blaine doesn't want to slip back into mentor mode. Ever. But a friend should say what he thinks, right? He just shouldn't act like he knows. Okay. He can do this – he hopes.
"Kurt, your dad said something really stupid."
"I know."
"And from what you've said of him, I'm guessing he probably regrets it."
"I know."
"I'm not saying I wouldn't want to punch my father if he ever brought up Brokeback Mountain to me. Which I hope to God he never does. Because then I would have to decide whether to punch him or not."
"You're all talk."
Okay. Blaine's going to ignore that because, come to think of it, he's not sure he's ever told Kurt about the boxing lessons and that he actually has punched quite a few people in his time, even if it was all pretty gentle and refereed. "I'm just saying that –I suspect that your dad really loves you, even if he says stupid things sometimes."
Blaine hears Kurt's sigh as a bolt of static over the phone. "Yeah. I just wish it was easier sometimes. Like he didn't think he had to try so hard to understand me. I'm just a person. But he thinks he has to watch Brokeback Mountain to get where I'm coming from, and it's so not where I'm coming from."
"I know. Like with us." Blaine doesn't realize what he's saying until it's already out of his mouth, and he really wishes he could unsay it.
"What?" But Kurt doesn't sound irritated. He just sounds confused.
"I mean, it's different, it's a lot different, but – nevermind."
"Tell me. I'm not going to bite your head off. I already did once this week, and that was more than enough to last me a while."
"Well, it's like how I wanted you to know that I'm just a person."
"I do know that, Blaine," Kurt says slowly. "And I did know that. I just don't make it clear all the time."
Blaine's not sure why he feels so emotional but – Blaine Anderson, you are not going to cry. "I just – maybe your dad and you react to things in similar ways sometimes."
"You mean, by being assholes?" says Kurt, his tone mischievous and maybe – though Blaine's really not sure about this – a little flirty.
"That's not what I said."
"I did, though." Blaine can hear Kurt laughing now – real laughter, light and musical – and a glowing warmth uncoils from Blaine's sternum and radiates through his chest. He thinks he never again wants to go a single day without hearing that beautiful laugh.
"Kurt –"
"Yeah?"
"About that guy in your bed."
"Yes?" And Kurt's voice is still now, and calm, and Blaine can picture Kurt's face like he's right there, looking Blaine in the eye, those perfect eyebrows arched and waiting. Blaine doesn't know how Kurt can keep his composure so well when all Blaine wants to do is fall apart.
"There's no maybe or maybe not. He's definitely gay." And even though nothing ever will happen between them and nothing ever can happen, Blaine vaguely hopes that, if Kurt wants to read anything between the lines there, he will.
Kurt's silent for so long that Blaine wonders if the phone cut out.
"Kurt, are you still there?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
"Don't say that for my sake." Kurt's voice is exquisitely tender.
"I'm not." Blaine hesitates. "I mean, I don't think I am."
"Blaine," Kurt says, "let me be perfectly clear. What I said in the Lima Bean, about bisexuals – If you're bisexual, it's fine with me. It really is. Just, like my dad, sometimes I get caught by surprise that people don't fit into the little boxes I made for them and I say really stupid, hurtful things. I need to learn to step outside of my comfort zone."
"Do you really mean that?" Wow. That came out kind of rude, even though Blaine didn't mean it that way at all. Blaine wonders if he's beginning to let his guard down too much around Kurt.
But it's so easy to. He's not sure he can stop.
"Yeah, I do, Blaine." Kurt's voice is still so gentle, so patient, like he knows somehow that it is the only thing that keeps Blaine from breaking. "I can't pretend that it doesn't confuse me, but it's not the point. I'm not going to lose you as a friend just because I don't understand. And I'll try to understand, if you need me to."
This is why Blaine is friends with Kurt. Because Kurt is so much more than he ever expected, and he keeps being so much more.
"Kurt," Blaine says. And then he stops. That one syllable is all he needed to say.
"Yeah?"
Blaine supposes he should say something else, though all he wants to do is repeat Kurt's name like a mantra. So he chooses a word that means pretty much the same thing.
"Thanks," Blaine says.
--------end of chapter--------
Chapter 5: Friday, And the World Is Clear
Characters: Kurt/Blaine pre-dating, Blaine's roommate (OC)
Rating: PG-13 (entire story)
Spoilers: 2.14 (Blame It On the Alcohol). This chapter has references to scenes and characters in the movie Brokeback Mountain.
Warnings: In this chapter, language and brief references to sex acts in a movie the characters have seen.
Word count: About 18,000 overall, 3,229 this part
Summary: The fact the he enjoyed kissing Rachel at the party is confusing for Blaine. But what's more confusing is Kurt.
Chapter Summary: Talking to Rachel and letting her try to dash his hopes last night only made Kurt more sure of Blaine's feelings for him. Now, well …
[Oh, and another thing - I marked this as "genre:romance" in
kurt_blaine because it seemed the least poor fit of all the genres, but I have been informed that "genre:angst" could also work. I though angst was for hard stuff like suicide, murder, zombie attacks, brain damage and hate crimes, which is why I didn't use it, but, yeah, there's quite a bit of emotional confusion - er, emotional angst - in here. Personally, I prefer the genre:hurt/comfort tag that beyond_dapper offers, but beggars can't be choosers.]Thank you, verdandil, for betaing this chapter. Any mistakes or stupidity are mine. Especially since I couldn't stop myself from adding, like, 741 words this morning before I posted. So if anyone sees any errors, please let me know.
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Chapter 4: Thursday's Child Has Far to Go
It is a vagary of the human condition that the confidence and certainty of one day do not often survive to the next.
Talking to Rachel and letting her try to dash his hopes last night only made Kurt more sure of himself, more sure of Blaine's feelings for him, and gave him the thought – perhaps for the first time – that he and Blaine are each other's endgame. He went home and when he got in bed, the fading scent of Blaine on his pillowcases was no longer a taunt, but a promise. He fell asleep quickly.
But now Kurt wakes up to a new day. And, in typical fashion, as the fresh sun rises over Lima, Ohio, fresh thoughts of failure assault Kurt.
Kurt manages to avoid Blaine all day. It isn't that hard. It's Thursday, so there's no Warbler practice and they don't share any classes. All Kurt has to do is keep his cell phone off and be scarce during the in-between times. He walks into Dalton just in time to squeak into first-period French before the bell. He holes up in the chemistry lab at lunch to get ahead on some work. He stays after his last class to ask Ms. Ansari to explain again why the law of cosines holds true for any triangle.
When Kurt finally walks out of the classroom and turns on his phone, he has four messages waiting for him.
From: Blaine Warbler
Where are you?
Sent 12:07 PM
Where are you?
Sent 12:07 PM
From: Blaine Warbler
Justin got cappuccino machine for his birthday. Quick drink after classes? Meet me in dorm.
Sent 2:04 PM
Justin got cappuccino machine for his birthday. Quick drink after classes? Meet me in dorm.
Sent 2:04 PM
From: Blaine Warbler
Drink = coffee, not booze. Not that much of a lush.
Sent 2:06 PM
Drink = coffee, not booze. Not that much of a lush.
Sent 2:06 PM
From: Blaine Warbler
Need to get to fencing practice. See you after?
Sent 3:17 PM
Need to get to fencing practice. See you after?
Sent 3:17 PM
Kurt texts back:
To: Blaine Warbler
Sorry. Phone off all day. Have to go home now. Need to get souffle ingredients. Cooking with dad tonight. Talk to you later?
Sorry. Phone off all day. Have to go home now. Need to get souffle ingredients. Cooking with dad tonight. Talk to you later?
He hits send.
When Kurt gets home, he changes into the same outfit he wore yesterday to Rachel's. It's a confidence booster, and he needs that now. Maybe if he knows he looks good, he won't spend the evening worrying about what's going to happen when he talks to Blaine tonight – like, if Blaine will say the date was lovely and he was disappointed that he didn't get a little snog from Rachel. Kurt distracts himself through dinner by talking with Carole about his ideas for a budget version of a living room spread they both admired in Dwell.
And teaching his dad to make soufflé is also a good distraction at first. It requires most of Kurt's concentration, because Burt Hummel isn't quite following, and Kurt has to explain everything three times.
But after they stick the first one in the oven, Kurt's mind starts to wander. He tries to keep his focus by sprinkling the conversation with didactic declarations – "Soufflé is all about the whites; you get yolk in it, or you don't let it stiffen properly, then you might as well be making pancakes" – but he's losing it.
Kurt is irritated by everything.
By the annoying way his dad is sneaking strawberries before the soufflé is ready – and not the ones with the stems still on them, but the ones they've already hulled.
By the thought of Rachel's haughty face.
By the memory of Blaine apologizing for groping him.
By the fact that he's irritated about the apology, because sincere apologies are supposed to be a good thing. And Blaine was so beautiful when he made it. (He always is.)
By the nagging thought that maybe Blaine wasn't apologizing for being disrespectful toward Kurt, but for leading him on.
Because all Blaine really wants is Rachel.
Kurt is beating the egg whites to within an inch of their sorry lives.
"Alright. Check it out," Burt says excitedly, pulling the first soufflé from the oven and proudly displaying it to Kurt. "Ta da!"
That deflated soufflé is totally not worth a "ta da." And Kurt knows it's probably his own fault for hand-beating the whites instead of using the mixer, but that doesn't keep him from rolling his eyes and exhaling loudly. "You didn't leave enough room in the dish to let it rise."
He turns toward the sink for the cream of tartar. And also to look away from his dad. Because he knows he shouldn't have spoken that way, and he knows his dad is going to get petulant about it.
Bingo. "Why are you being so hard on me?" Burt says. "I would've been happy with you teaching me how to make toast."
"I'm sorry, Dad. I know this is supposed to be bonding time, but – " and Kurt's about to make something up about being stressed about an English paper but – oh, what the hell. He might as well say it. His dad's a big boy. He should be able to handle it. Even if Kurt can't.
Kurt sighs for the umpteenth time today and turns around to face his dad. "It's Blaine. He's interested in Rachel."
Burt has this royally pissed look on his face and Kurt's not sure if it's leftover from Kurt's rudeness a few sentences earlier or it's a reaction to what Kurt just said.
"I'm confused," Burt says. "I thought he was gay, too." Kurt does not fail to notice that Burt whips open the refrigerator door and stares at the beer as he says this.
Kurt takes a breath and keeps talking. "Oh, he is. He is. He's just – experimenting."
Burt grabs a bottle and twists off the cap in one motion. "Yeah," Burt snorts. "He's not the only one."
Apparently, this is Kurt's week for conversations that fall apart when he really, really needs them not to. Because now his dad is asking about why exactly Blaine slept over on Saturday night and Kurt finds himself saying, "We were fully clothed the entire time," and, seriously, why should he ever have to say that? His dad, of all people, should now how Kurt Hummel was raised.
But it's like his dad didn't even hear him. Burt goes on about Blaine sleeping over being "inappropriate" and something about sex and do gay guys always do it the way they did in the tent in Brokeback Mountain and – seriously? Brokeback Mountain? Kurt thought his dad was better than that.
So they don't talk about Blaine, about how confusing this is, about how Kurt sometimes feels like his heart is the world's pincushion, and would people just please stop stabbing him there?
Kurt wants to scream, but he manages to stay calm. He usually does when his dad's like this. It's as if, after Kurt's mother died, he and his dad made an unspoken arrangement to take turns losing their tempers, just to keep the remains of their tiny family from collapsing completely.
So Kurt apologizes for letting Blaine sleep over, even though he doesn't mean it.
"Thank you," Burt says.
Kurt turns away. He knows this is supposed to be father-son bonding time, but he really doesn't want to bond with Mr. Everything-I-Know-About-the-Gays-I-Learned-From-Brokeback-Mountain right now.
Kurt is about to stomp off, but suddenly he feels himself hesitating. Because, really, he needs a dad who knows the difference between emotionally stunted cowboys violently fucking on a Wyoming mountainside and his own son falling stupidly, hopelessly, pathetically in love.
So Kurt takes a deep breath and faces his dad, whose eyes are stoic anger and fire. Kurt looks into them, anyway. "But maybe you could step outside your comfort zone and educate yourself." Kurt shrugs. He would hate the hurt and appeasement in his voice if he was talking to anyone but his father, who – even after this snafu – he trusts not to turn it against him. "So if I have any questions, I could go to my dad like any straight son could."
Kurt knows it probably sounds to his dad like he's talking about sex, and maybe he is a little, but it's a lot more than that.
Burt stands there, beer bottle in his hand, looking a little dazed and a little exasperated, and Kurt finally turns away now, walks to the entry way and grabs his hat and gloves. "I'm going for a walk," he calls as he shuts the front door behind him, reaching into his pocket for his phone.
He dials Blaine without even thinking about it.
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Blaine's not sure if he's done something to fuck it all up again or if Kurt's disappearing act today is just a coincidence. All he knows is that it's never been so hard to go without Kurt.
Blaine was so happy today when he woke up. All he wanted was to bring Kurt coffee and tell him how horrible Love Story is. Actually, he almost texted Love Story leaves much to desire to Kurt last night, but he deleted it before sending. He was talking about the movie, but it could just as easily be read as a comment on the date, and how would Kurt interpret that? That Blaine thinks Rachel is a loser? That would be insulting Kurt's friend. That Blaine thinks Rachel is hot but she wouldn't let him get past first base? He totally didn't want Kurt's mind to go there. He didn't want his mind to go there.
All Blaine could think of this morning was that he was going to make things right. This stupid, stupid episode was completely over, and Blaine was going to be a good, dependable friend again and not so fucking confused all the time.
Coffee would be the perfect peace offering, but it turned out to be a little more complicated than it sounds. Blaine didn't want to bring Kurt coffee from the dining hall, because that stuff was Folgers or something equally godawful, and some left-leaning alumnus really needs to create an endowment for the school with the stipulation that only fair trade, shade-grown coffee be served on campus.
So Blaine sheepishly asked Justin to please make an extra espresso on his new cappuccino machine. Pretty please? Justin looked at him askance and said, "You hate espresso."
"It's not for me," Blaine said.
"Well, in that case." And a few minutes later, Justin was pouring a double shot into a travel mug and handing it to Blaine.
"It's not going to stay warm long in that. It's mostly air," said Justin.
"Oh, it's fine. I'm going to add hot cocoa to it in the dining hall."
"That fucking Swiss Miss knockoff? That's an insult to my espresso."
"If you let me do this again, I promise I'll go out and get real mocha ingredients."
"Unless you get real mocha ingredients, I'm not doing this again."
Blaine bolted his breakfast and practically ran to the common room to wait with the makeshift mocha for Kurt. And wait. And wait. He kept checking his phone to see if maybe Kurt had texted him and he hadn't heard it buzz, but no. Kurt was almost never this late. Or, rather, Kurt was almost at least half an hour early to school, and he always came to the common room to wait for the bell. Always.
So Blaine waited and pretended to be Reading Important Things when anyone tried to talk to him and finally the warning bell for first period rang and Kurt still wasn't there.
Blaine left the travel mug on the table and went to class.
In third period, his ears pricked up when someone mentioned borrowing Kurt's French notes from him today. Good. Kurt was at school. He'd see him at lunch.
But then he didn't. And he wanted to ask every single person in the dining hall if they had seen Kurt, but instead he sat down with Wes and asked him how he could improve his performance of "Misery." As expected, Wes had enough feedback to fill the entire lunch period.
When Blaine finally got that text from Kurt after school, he resigned himself to not hearing Kurt's voice until at least nine o'clock.
So, after dinner, Blaine settles on his bed for a long session of staring at his algebra textbook and cursing al-Khwarizmi. He's not long into it when his phone rings. It's too early for it to be Kurt; Blaine grabs his phone eagerly anyway.
And then he sees that it is, indeed, Kurt Hummel flashing across the screen.
Blaine flips his phone open. "Hi, Kurt. How's it going?" He tries to sound casual, not like Were you avoiding me today?
"I can't imagine that it could get much worse," Kurt says on the other end of the line, his voice tremulous.
"Oh." Nonononono. Don't be sad again. "Does this have something to do with why you were so hard to track down at school?"
"No. Not really. It's my dad. We just had a fight."
A lot of guys Blaine knows boast about disputes with their parents like they're badges of honor. Not Kurt. Never Kurt. Blaine kind of loves that about him.
"I'm so sorry, Kurt. What happened?"
"He pulled out Brokeback Mountain."
"He wanted to watch Brokeback Mountain?" Okay, that would be seriously awkward – especially that tent scene – and the Heath-Ledger-and-his-wife-have-yup-that's-probably-anal-sex scene, and the Jake-Gyllenhaal-goes-cruising scene, and the high-altitude-fuck scene – okay, pretty much the whole movie would have been awkward, even with a guy who tries to be as understanding as Kurt's dad. Hell, it's awkward to watch by yourself. "But I thought you guys were making soufflé."
"Yes. We were. But then – "
"Yeah?"
"Well, apparently my dad thinks I have a sex life as portrayed in Brokeback Mountain."
"How did that come up?"
"Perhaps you recall that my father found a young man who may or may not be gay in my bed this weekend."
"Oh. Oh, Kurt. I'm sorry."
"It’s not your fault. Anyway, I told him that nothing happened" – (not for lack of me trying, Blaine thinks, ashamed) – "and I'm pretty sure he believes me. It's just – "
"Yeah?"
"Brokeback Mountain? Is that what my dad sees when he looks at me? He must think I have a terrible life ahead of me."
"And a really unpleasant sex life."
"Blaine – "
"Sorry, Kurt. They're just not very affectionate. At all affectionate." Blaine was drunk on Saturday and gropey gropey, and he was still way more affectionate than that asshole Ennis Del Mar.
"Blaine."
"Sorry."
"It's just – When Dad looks at Finn, does he see some depressing movie about straight people who ruin each other's lives? No, he sees Finn."
"Kurt – "
"What?"
Blaine doesn't want to slip back into mentor mode. Ever. But a friend should say what he thinks, right? He just shouldn't act like he knows. Okay. He can do this – he hopes.
"Kurt, your dad said something really stupid."
"I know."
"And from what you've said of him, I'm guessing he probably regrets it."
"I know."
"I'm not saying I wouldn't want to punch my father if he ever brought up Brokeback Mountain to me. Which I hope to God he never does. Because then I would have to decide whether to punch him or not."
"You're all talk."
Okay. Blaine's going to ignore that because, come to think of it, he's not sure he's ever told Kurt about the boxing lessons and that he actually has punched quite a few people in his time, even if it was all pretty gentle and refereed. "I'm just saying that –I suspect that your dad really loves you, even if he says stupid things sometimes."
Blaine hears Kurt's sigh as a bolt of static over the phone. "Yeah. I just wish it was easier sometimes. Like he didn't think he had to try so hard to understand me. I'm just a person. But he thinks he has to watch Brokeback Mountain to get where I'm coming from, and it's so not where I'm coming from."
"I know. Like with us." Blaine doesn't realize what he's saying until it's already out of his mouth, and he really wishes he could unsay it.
"What?" But Kurt doesn't sound irritated. He just sounds confused.
"I mean, it's different, it's a lot different, but – nevermind."
"Tell me. I'm not going to bite your head off. I already did once this week, and that was more than enough to last me a while."
"Well, it's like how I wanted you to know that I'm just a person."
"I do know that, Blaine," Kurt says slowly. "And I did know that. I just don't make it clear all the time."
Blaine's not sure why he feels so emotional but – Blaine Anderson, you are not going to cry. "I just – maybe your dad and you react to things in similar ways sometimes."
"You mean, by being assholes?" says Kurt, his tone mischievous and maybe – though Blaine's really not sure about this – a little flirty.
"That's not what I said."
"I did, though." Blaine can hear Kurt laughing now – real laughter, light and musical – and a glowing warmth uncoils from Blaine's sternum and radiates through his chest. He thinks he never again wants to go a single day without hearing that beautiful laugh.
"Kurt –"
"Yeah?"
"About that guy in your bed."
"Yes?" And Kurt's voice is still now, and calm, and Blaine can picture Kurt's face like he's right there, looking Blaine in the eye, those perfect eyebrows arched and waiting. Blaine doesn't know how Kurt can keep his composure so well when all Blaine wants to do is fall apart.
"There's no maybe or maybe not. He's definitely gay." And even though nothing ever will happen between them and nothing ever can happen, Blaine vaguely hopes that, if Kurt wants to read anything between the lines there, he will.
Kurt's silent for so long that Blaine wonders if the phone cut out.
"Kurt, are you still there?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
"Don't say that for my sake." Kurt's voice is exquisitely tender.
"I'm not." Blaine hesitates. "I mean, I don't think I am."
"Blaine," Kurt says, "let me be perfectly clear. What I said in the Lima Bean, about bisexuals – If you're bisexual, it's fine with me. It really is. Just, like my dad, sometimes I get caught by surprise that people don't fit into the little boxes I made for them and I say really stupid, hurtful things. I need to learn to step outside of my comfort zone."
"Do you really mean that?" Wow. That came out kind of rude, even though Blaine didn't mean it that way at all. Blaine wonders if he's beginning to let his guard down too much around Kurt.
But it's so easy to. He's not sure he can stop.
"Yeah, I do, Blaine." Kurt's voice is still so gentle, so patient, like he knows somehow that it is the only thing that keeps Blaine from breaking. "I can't pretend that it doesn't confuse me, but it's not the point. I'm not going to lose you as a friend just because I don't understand. And I'll try to understand, if you need me to."
This is why Blaine is friends with Kurt. Because Kurt is so much more than he ever expected, and he keeps being so much more.
"Kurt," Blaine says. And then he stops. That one syllable is all he needed to say.
"Yeah?"
Blaine supposes he should say something else, though all he wants to do is repeat Kurt's name like a mantra. So he chooses a word that means pretty much the same thing.
"Thanks," Blaine says.
--------end of chapter--------
Chapter 5: Friday, And the World Is Clear
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Date: 2011-12-01 10:08 pm (UTC)Yes, there's only one chapter left, but then there's my ridiculously long author's note after that ;)