wowbright | Fic: Falling Is Like This

Fic: Falling is Like This [3/5]
Chapter title: Another Wednesday of Things I Haven't Done
Characters: Kurt/Blaine pre-dating, Rachel, Blaine's roommate (OC)
Rating: PG-13 (entire story)
Spoilers: Through 2.14 (Blame It On the Alcohol). Incorporates some things we've learned about the characters from canon after 2.14, but no plot spoilers. There are spoilers for the movie Love Story in this chapter.
Warnings: language for this chapter
Word count: About 17,000 overall, 2,743 this part
Summary: The fact the he enjoyed kissing Rachel at the party is confusing for Blaine. But what's more confusing is Kurt.
Chapter Summary: Blaine has seen Love Story a lot of times. But this time, it's different.
Author’s Note: My attempt at figuring out what was going on in the boys' heads during 'Blame It on the Alcohol.' The entire story will be posted by Friday (United States)/Saturday (Australia). Thank you

verdandil for betaing! Anything that's horrible, I wrote without her consent.

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Chapter 3: Another Wednesday of Things I Haven't Done

I think you're scared. You put up a big glass wall to keep from getting hurt, but it also keeps you from getting touched.

Blaine is at Love Story with Rachel and, when Ryan O'Neal says that, Blaine can't help feeling like someone just whacked his heart with a brick. Rachel hands him a wad of tissues and pats his arm.

Love Story is a tearjerker (good) and, as Blaine has come to realize over the last few viewings, pretty sexist (bad). He tries to overlook that part, but he's surprised to find that Rachel – a girl – does, too, because she laughs and cries at all the right times, just like he does. Ali MacGraw is dying of leukemia, and neither her doctor nor her husband tells her that for several weeks. Because it's 1970 and it's perfectly acceptable to treat an adult woman like a child.

He tells himself that they are all just victims of the age – he's sure that must be what Rachel's telling herself, because – seriously? He doesn't know her that well, but from the few interactions they've had and what he's picked up from Kurt and Finn, it's hard to believe that she would accept that kind of treatment in her own life. He's pretty sure there'd be some kind of lawsuit involved.

He likes that about her.

So he keeps looking at her, hoping for a flash of anger or a hint of incredulity on her face, but the only bit he gets is in that short scene in the kitchen, when Ali MacGraw tells Ryan O'Neal that she knows she's dying, and Rachel mouths along with her line about not wanting to be bullshitted anymore.

MacGraw goes right from there to forgiving her husband, and Rachel seems to, too.

But Blaine just can't. If Ryan O'Neal really loves his wife, wouldn't he tell her the truth? Especially since that truth concerns her. Kurt couldn't hide something like that if he tried. And wouldn't, even if he could. Yeah, maybe it's a little blistering sometimes, but it's always the truth.

Oh.

Rachel hears Blaine sniffling and gives him another tissue before wrapping her hand around the back of his. It's comforting, but she doesn't get it. "It's heartbreaking how much he loves her, isn't it?" she whispers before turning her face back to the screen.

How can she not see that this isn't what love is supposed to be like? Blaine wipes his eyes and glances at Rachel. Her face is glowing dimly, her eyes earnest and entranced, and he can see that there are tears rolling down her face, too.

She is more beautiful than any girl he's ever seen.

But it's not enough.
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Kurt knows there is probably nothing to worry about. Really. He should probably be more worried about Rachel and the weird Electra complex that makes her want to collect gay guys like Tony awards. Because, really, what is up with that? You would think that having two gay dads would be enough.

But he's not worried about Rachel. He's worried about Blaine, and he's worried about himself. Kurt's trying to be lighthearted about it – it's just one crummy little date – but if Blaine is as screwed up and confused as Kurt thinks he is right now, well, it could turn into another date and then another date and another one before Blaine figures out that Rachel's not at all what he wants.

Kurt wants to say to Blaine, "Okay. So you're going on a date with Rachel Berry because you kissed her when you were drunk and it felt good and you want to see what it means. That's fine. I get it. No, really I do. Remember Brittany? Okay. I'm just wondering why I don't get a date by that logic. Because, from what I could tell, groping me when you were drunk felt really good."

But Kurt is not going to say that. It's too easy, and comes to Kurt too naturally for it to end up in anything good. And anyway, Blaine already apologized for the drunken groping – kind of. Kurt thinks that's what Blaine's half of the conversation yesterday on the quad was about.

On the other hand, Kurt is not going to pretend it's all okay. He's not going to be an asshole, but he's not going to act like he would if it were Mercedes out on a date, either. He's not going to say, "How'd it go? What did she wear? Did you hold hands? Did you kiss?" He's not going to listen to what they talked about and try to read between the lines to determine whether this means a second date or a flop.

Well, he's not going to talk about any of those things with Blaine. He's going to talk about them with Rachel. She's the one who called him yesterday to pick his brain about Blaine's favorite movies and favorite foods and favorite color and favorite everything, and he had answered every single question truthfully for reasons beyond his own understanding – not like back when she was wooing Finn. So he figures the least she owes him is a recap.

"Hey, Rachel," Kurt says into his cell phone. "Has your basement recovered from the party yet, or are your dads going to come home to a heart attack?"

He listens to Rachel launch into a tirade about Puck, who promised he was going to take care of everything but keeps making excuses for why he can't come over to get the booze stains out of the carpet. "Monday it was football practice and yesterday it was homework – puh-lease – and today he tells me he got called into work for an emergency pool cleaning. In February."

"Well, Miss Berry, you are in luck. I just happen to be in the neighborhood and there's not a carpet stain Martha Stewart hasn't taught me how to remove. Shall I?"

Maybe he could have worn something a little darker and a little less hand-wash-only wool to clean up Rachel's basement, but the gray of his shirt and sweater brings out the blue in his eyes. And he likes the contrast of the sweater's chunkiness against the curved line of his shirt's club collar. He would be lying if he pretended not to know that he looks good. But it's understated enough not to be so obviously, Rachel, I am way hotter than you, so give up.

Instead, it says it subtly: Rachel, I am way hotter than you, so give up.

"Thanks for helping with the party clean up, especially since you didn't even drink," she says once the worst stains are taken care of and all that's left are empty cups and straws strewn about. Oh, and Brittany's ginormous pink push-up bra.

"I was in the neighborhood," Kurt says, realizing only afterward that he sounds like a broken record.

"At 10 o'clock?" Kurt's pretending to be utterly focused on picking up the trash and therefore not looking at Rachel. But he can practically hear her eyes shooting daggers at him. "Are you sure you're not here just to find out how my date with Blaine went?"

"Oh, that was tonight?" Kurt doesn't even try to sound innocent.

"Look, we're friends, so I'm going to be honest with you." They both stop picking up trash and look at each other. Rachel beams, and it actually makes Kurt's heart soften a little.

To feel compassion – he really didn't expect that. He came here to get the dirt, and to erode her confidence a bit.

But maybe it's because he sees in her eyes a glimmer of how he must look when he thinks about Blaine – the pure awe of it. No, it's not as strong on her face, but there's a hint of it there.

Rachel hugs the trashcan to her chest, which gives Kurt the hopeful thought that she's compensating for not getting to do that to Blaine earlier this evening. "The date was lovely," she says. "We saw Love Story at the Revival Theater. We even dressed up as the characters." She releases the can from her chest and squats down to snatch up a cup.

"That's not gay at all," he chirps. He pauses, not looking at her, picking up more cups and trying to sound nonchalant. But it comes out too singsongy, too curious: "Did you kiss?"

"No," she sighs, but then adds, "Our lips spent the evening mouthing Ali MacGraw's dialogue," as chipperly as if that were an equally good substitute.

Really, Kurt will never understand Rachel.

"Frankly, I did expect a little snog as the date drew to a close," she adds wistfully, "but I guess the timing just wasn't right."

"Or the blood alcohol level," Kurt says, trying to sound as if he's mumbling to himself, but making certain it's loud enough for Rachel to hear.

"Look," Rachel says, a little pleading, and out of the corner of his eye Kurt can see that she's no longer gathering trash, just sitting on the stage and looking up at him. But he doesn't want to look at her yet. "I know that you have feelings for him and I'm sure you think I'm crazy for asking him out, but Blaine is obviously conflicted and if he turns out not to be gay, well then, I guess I will have done you a favor."

Kurt looks at her and sees that she's a little vulnerable. And so he knows he should be kind. But it's so hard to be kind to Rachel sometimes, especially when she isn't.

Kurt sits down next to Rachel on the stage and folds his hands over one knee. "And I'm doing you a favor by telling you that Blaine is the first in a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals." It's feels so good to draw out the sword. He can always do that to Rachel, because she will always pretend she doesn't care. In fact, he sometimes thinks it makes her even more sure of herself.

Like right now. She straightens herself up, sticking out her chest, and asserts, "Blaine and I have a lot in common."

"A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay," Kurt says. And then he tries to pull back, be a little more serious, a little more gentle – or as gentle as he can be with someone so self-deluding. He tells her that she and Blaine have a great future together shopping at Burberry and arguing over who gets to play what role in Cats. She laughs at that. "But there's something that you and Blaine will never have. And that's chemistry."

He's not going to explain to Rachel how he knows that. He's not going to say that he watched Blaine all Saturday night after spin-the-bottle, watched Blaine's eyes on Rachel, and saw only the playfulness and desire to please that he sees Blaine give everybody. Maybe a little more so, but still – the difference was quantitative, not qualitative.

The looks Blaine gave Rachel are nothing like the ones he gave Kurt that night – searching and hungry, a strange mixture of needful and content. Even if Blaine was drunk then, even if those looks didn't indicate anything about how Blaine feels about Kurt, they did show the feeling that Blaine is capable of. Kurt knows that a sober Blaine will look at someone that way, someday. And he knows that someone won't be Rachel.

"Fine," Rachel says. "Then I'll prove you wrong. I'm going to take the beer goggles off and I'm going to kiss him sober. And if the spark is still there" – she points at Kurt dramatically – "then I am taking you to your bakery of choice for a piping hot slice of humble pie."

He wonders for a moment what humble pie would taste like, and thinks perhaps it's a shame that he'll never know, because Rachel makes it sound almost scrumptious. "You've thrown down the gauntlet, dear," Kurt says. "Challenge accepted."

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The room is dark when Blaine gets in. He closes the door quietly.

"You can turn on the light," Justin says. "I'm awake."

"Thanks. But I'm pretty good at getting around here in the dark," says Blaine. He sinks down on the edge of his own bed and slips off his shoes.

"How was your date?"

"Okay. She's nice." And it's true. She remembered that he likes the Lima Bean and offered to take him there after the movie even though he knows she prefers Starbucks. But he said no, he wanted to get back to Dalton to do homework. It was half true.

"You sound completely smitten."

Blaine laughs. He thinks it might be for the first time today. "She's sweet," he says. When she moved in closer to him and leaned her head against his shoulder, it was comforting. He's not sure if that's the feeling she was trying to arouse, but Blaine liked it.

Blaine sighs and pulls his sweater off. "But I don't think she's my type."

"I could have told you that," says Justin. "How was the movie?"

"Losing its luster." Blaine is in front of his dresser now, putting his folded sweater away in the bottom drawer.

"Really?"

Blaine stands up and leans against the dresser. "Yeah. I don't think they're really in love."

"Wait. The movie is called Love Story."

"Well, she might love him. And he thinks he loves her. And we're supposed to believe he loves her. But he doesn't."

Justin doesn't say anything, so Blaine continues as he unbuttons his shirt. "You're never going to see this movie, right? So I can tell you what happens?"

"Probably not," says Justin. "But even if I do, knowing the end usually makes a movie better."

Blaine works through pulling off the rest of his clothes and folding them on the top of the dresser as he continues. "She's dying of leukemia and the doctor tells him, but doesn't tell her. I didn't used to notice that was weird because if I was dying, my doctor would tell my parents first, not me. But then I realized that she's not a child and her doctor's not a pediatrician. But it's 1970, and I guess to doctors and husbands, women are the same as kids." Blaine pulls on his Clark Gable pajamas, then walks over to his bed to stretch himself out on top of the covers.

"So what happens?" says Justin.

"He doesn't tell her. The husband, I mean. He pretends like nothing's going on for at least two weeks. And the whole time I'm thinking, 'Dude, if you love your wife, you really need to tell her because it's her life and it's her decision to make.' I mean, she's smarter than him and tougher than him, so she really doesn't need protecting. If I can see that, you would think someone in love with her could see that."

"Huh," says Justin. "So, does he ever tell her? Or does she just, like, die?"

"He never says anything. She's the one who brings it up. He comes home one day and she tells him she went to the doctor herself because she knew something was wrong, and made the doctor tell her everything."

"You know what would make an awesome movie?" says Justin. "If she killed him. And then used her smarts and his body tissues to find the cure for cancer."

Blaine smiles at the idea, but he sighs loudly to make Justin think that he's annoyed. "She says something like she would have appreciated not being bullshitted, but she forgives him. I don't know if she would have forgiven him if she had all the time in the world. Maybe she would have divorced him and gone to Paris to study music and found someone new. I would have."

"So she dies?"

"Yeah. After a few months. She loves him to the end. It's awful."

Justin is silent for a moment. "You know what I think?" he finally says.

"What?" says Blaine.

"I think Kurt would have ripped the doctor a new asshole for not telling – what's her name?"

"Jenny."

" – for not telling Jenny first."

"What are you talking about?"

"Just thinking out loud."

But Blaine knows exactly what Justin is talking about, and he wishes he could hate him for it.

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Chapter 4: Thursday's Child Has Far to Go

Current Mood: sick
Current Location: From under my cat
Current Music: It's Already Wednesday - Freya