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Freezing (fic) - aka episode reaction to 4.04
(I've started keeping a notebook by my bed, and now do not get so frustrated with insomnia as I used to.)
Behind the cut because of spoilers.
Blaine POV, and I don't change anything that happened.
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Freezing
Maybe it will make him forget. Not forget Kurt – he doesn't want to forget Kurt, not ever, not Kurt who rose like the sun on that dark day in November two years ago and who Blaine, like a flower, has been growing toward ever since.
Blaine just wants to forget how small he is. How insignificant. Kurt makes him forget that – or at least he used to, back when he was around and present and answered Blaine's phone calls and smiled at him and didn't keep himself hidden from Blaine behind a cloud.
Drinking makes Blaine forget, sometimes. But he doesn't think of this, here in the choir room. He doesn't think of this when a different answer presents itself on his phone.
This – this can be like drinking. Someone can hold him, and he can feel special and wanted and like there's a place for him in this too large and lonely universe.
Even if, really, there's not.
-----
He's in his car, in the driveway of Eli's house.
He looks at his phone.
He'll call Kurt. If Kurt answers, Blaine will stay in the car, back up, and drive home.
If Kurt doesn't, he'll go in.
Blaine goes to his favorites. Kurt is at the top, smiling at him. But the smile in the picture happened weeks ago. Would Kurt smile for him now? Blaine's thumb hovers over it, over Kurt's tiny pixilated teeth that Blaine can see more clearly than the screen will ever show.
In the end, Blaine doesn't touch Kurt's smile. There is no phone call. He powers down his phone, tosses it into the glove compartment, and walks up the driveway to Eli's front door.
----
It doesn't matter, so much, exactly what Blaine does inside that house. What matters is that he goes there, and things start, and he stays.
What matters is that he closes his eyes and pretends to feel okay, even though everything feels off and wrong and it's so dark here without Kurt. It's so, so dark.
He closes his eyes and he tries to remember Kurt, remember being with Kurt, even though the body and the lips and the hands are wrong, and nothing feels warm enough. In his core, Blaine feels cold, like those caverns in Antarctica that the sun has never reached.
He wishes he could close his ears, too, because the breath against his has the wrong timbre, the sighs have the wrong pitch, and none of the words he hears are things that Kurt would ever, ever say.
Whenever the bile rises in his stomach and singes his throat like frost burn in January – that's when Blaine wishes, and pretends, the hardest.
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I just want to clarify that I would *never* post a podfic without including the author's name and linking back to the fic post, nor would any other podficcer that I know. (But it's still a really good idea to specify what you expect, rather than leaving things unsaid and running into trouble along the line!)
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I'd be awesome if you decide to contribute a podfic to the compilation, too, by the way. The more voices, the more amazing the whole thing will be <3
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But everybody has different comfort levels, and differently unique voices, and it's *definitely* not worth it to cross a line that feels unsafe to you.
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Here it is for quick reference:
Transformative Works Policy:
No work of fanfiction is open verse unless specifically indicated. For all other fanfiction, please ask permission if you would like to write a spinoff or remix.
All of my fanfiction is available to be podficced, illustrated, vidded and translated as long as such actions are for non-commercial purposes and I am credited as the original creator. Please include a link back to my work, if the format of your transformative work allows. I also appreciate receiving notice if you are creating a transformative work based on one of my pieces.
Meta is available for all types of transformative works.
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