wowbright | Freezing (fic) - aka episode reaction to 4.04

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Freezing (fic) - aka episode reaction to 4.04

I'm unable to say much new in meta right now, so I wrote fic instead during my bouts of insomnia last night.

(I've started keeping a notebook by my bed, and now do not get so frustrated with insomnia as I used to.)

Behind the cut because of spoilers.

Blaine POV, and I don't change anything that happened.

----
Freezing

Maybe it will make him forget. Not forget Kurt – he doesn't want to forget Kurt, not ever, not Kurt who rose like the sun on that dark day in November two years ago and who Blaine, like a flower, has been growing toward ever since.

Blaine just wants to forget how small he is. How insignificant. Kurt makes him forget that – or at least he used to, back when he was around and present and answered Blaine's phone calls and smiled at him and didn't keep himself hidden from Blaine behind a cloud.

Drinking makes Blaine forget, sometimes. But he doesn't think of this, here in the choir room. He doesn't think of this when a different answer presents itself on his phone.

This – this can be like drinking. Someone can hold him, and he can feel special and wanted and like there's a place for him in this too large and lonely universe.

Even if, really, there's not.

-----

He's in his car, in the driveway of Eli's house.

He looks at his phone.

He'll call Kurt. If Kurt answers, Blaine will stay in the car, back up, and drive home.

If Kurt doesn't, he'll go in.

Blaine goes to his favorites. Kurt is at the top, smiling at him. But the smile in the picture happened weeks ago. Would Kurt smile for him now? Blaine's thumb hovers over it, over Kurt's tiny pixilated teeth that Blaine can see more clearly than the screen will ever show.

In the end, Blaine doesn't touch Kurt's smile. There is no phone call. He powers down his phone, tosses it into the glove compartment, and walks up the driveway to Eli's front door.

----

It doesn't matter, so much, exactly what Blaine does inside that house. What matters is that he goes there, and things start, and he stays.

What matters is that he closes his eyes and pretends to feel okay, even though everything feels off and wrong and it's so dark here without Kurt. It's so, so dark.

He closes his eyes and he tries to remember Kurt, remember being with Kurt, even though the body and the lips and the hands are wrong, and nothing feels warm enough. In his core, Blaine feels cold, like those caverns in Antarctica that the sun has never reached.

He wishes he could close his ears, too, because the breath against his has the wrong timbre, the sighs have the wrong pitch, and none of the words he hears are things that Kurt would ever, ever say.

Whenever the bile rises in his stomach and singes his throat like frost burn in January – that's when Blaine wishes, and pretends, the hardest.

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heartbreakingly perfect. so sad.

that opening sentence...love the idea of Blaine as a flower growing in the direction of Kurt as the sun.

Thank you! It's become clearer to me than ever in the past two episodes that Blaine really has made Kurt the center of his life and doesn't know how to be his best self without Kurt's (to continue the metaphor) light.

I just want to hug them both so much.

UGH, I love eveything you do, even when it breaks my heart and makes me examine things that I wish would just go away.

Thanks for the reaction fic. You seem to have the same interpretation of Blaine's behavior as I do which is comforting in these trying, confusing times. I needed to see Blaine feeling the wrongness of his actions; I didn't get enough of that from last night's ep. Ahh, fangirl therapy.

*solidarity*

Thanks! You are too sweet!

I saw a lot of guilt in the Teenage Dream sequence; so much of what Blaine feels, he lets go unsaid. Anyway, I'm glad I was able to verbalize a little bit of it for you. I'm hoping Ms. Pillsbury will help him learn to say these things outloud. In any case, I imagine we'll get more guilt in future episodes. Or I'll just keep writing it when I have insomnia. *Hugs.*

I don't have energy left for anything right now, but I just had to comment here.

I like this. It's simple, it's clean, it's not even remotely bashing, it just hurts. In the good, horrible, bad way, if you know what I mean.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for taking the little energy you have to leave a lovely comment! The last thing I want to do is bash these boys when they're already hurting so much. I love them even when they hurt themselves (and by extension, each other), and I'm glad that came across here.

I am looking forward to not having insomnia so maybe I can work on some happy stuff during the hiatus.

I love this. I especially like the bargaining he does in Eli's driveway. It's got the same flavor as an alcoholic's bargaining — if my spouse gets home on time, I won't drink; if the check clears the bank, I won't drink — but then no matter what happens, there's an out, or an excuse. I'm unspoiled for future episodes, and I'm absolutely fascinated by this development, and I love the bits of Blaine's world and reasoning you imagine here.

Thanks for your comment and love! I wasn't thinking explicitly about alcoholism when I wrote that scene, but it is my headcanon that alcoholism is a part of Blaine's life (um, I guess hint at that rather strongly in the first section of the fic) and that a lot of the ways he deals with the world have been shaped by dealing with (or trying to deal with) an alcoholic in his life. There's a fic I've been working on for quite a while exploring this, although I don't know if I'll get done with it this hiatus - I have, like, 6 fic projects I'm working on right now.

This particular scene grew out of seeing Blaine trying to justify his behavior to Kurt after the fact, and the way he justified it to himself before the fact in the song he sang with Finn (sorry, I don't know what it's called). It was so painful to see him do it (especially because "been there, done that"), and also so real.

Anyway, a long way to say thank you for pointing this out to me! A lot of my meta comes out through fic without my even noticing :)

I just watched the ep and came here to read this first! Oh, these comments are absolutely perfect. I couldn't even watch the Teenage Dream segment. I seriously sat hunched with my hands folded in my lap staring at the corner of the keyboard while my cheeks got hotter and hotter until it was over, I was shaking so hard. And I... it's so hard to watch self destructive behavior and lying to yourself and I feel like I've owed fandom a piece on Blaine/alcohol/denial for a long time because collectively they've taught me so many things, but... terrified. (The song is Barely Breathing by Duncan Sheik, who also wrote the music for Spring Awakening. He knows a thing or two about sex and angst.)

Aw, I feel a little bad that you came here first, because it wasn't much of a fic - more like an angsty fingerpainting, or a Rorschach blot, maybe. I had a very similar reaction to Teenage Dream.

Hmmm ... maybe you and I should challenge each other to finish our Blaine/alcohol pieces at the same time. Because I started the notes for this one a year ago. Well, almost a year ago.

This is beautiful, and somehow the sadness is cathartic and makes things better than worse, maybe by bringing everything up to the surface where I can begin to see it and examine it and sort it out.

Do you have a policy on podfic permission? A few of us are making a small compilation of podfics of 4x04 reaction fic, and I'd love to include this one, if that's all right with you.

Thanks so much for your comments. Writing sad fic certainly helps me deal better with the sad stuff I see in Glee. And I'm so honored that you enjoy this enough that you would want to spend time on recording it! I don't have a policy because no one's ever asked before, but I say "Go for it!" It would be great if you linked back to this post/my blog and notified me when it goes up so I can listen and share. Thanks again!

Thank you ♥

I just want to clarify that I would *never* post a podfic without including the author's name and linking back to the fic post, nor would any other podficcer that I know. (But it's still a really good idea to specify what you expect, rather than leaving things unsaid and running into trouble along the line!)

http://kurt-blaine.livejournal.com/4811681.html

Thanks! I'm so excited! I'm going to post about this - you did such an awesome job!

Yay, thank you!

I'd be awesome if you decide to contribute a podfic to the compilation, too, by the way. The more voices, the more amazing the whole thing will be <3

Oh, I have been tempted to record podfic so many times but it will probably not happen because I use my voice professionally, which leads to internet anonymity issues. Sigh.

Oh, wow, that's too bad, because it probably means that your podficcing skills would be AMAZING. But yeah, this is something I have also thought about, since my profession is definitely one where I could be fired if I were linked to NC-17 podficcing (though my job doesn't use my recorded voice). I've personally found comfort with it by deciding my voice isn't unique enough—I've been mistaken for other readers, etc.—that I could have plausible deniability if someone confronted me saying "Is this reader you?" I could just be like, "Huh, nope. Bizarre coincidence, though!" And that's IF someone not only listened to my podfic, but listened to it far enough to get to the NC-17 stuff, which seems pretty unlikely if they're someone who is going to be scandalized and upset by it...

But everybody has different comfort levels, and differently unique voices, and it's *definitely* not worth it to cross a line that feels unsafe to you.

You keep writing beautifulamazing stuff, which is making me want to revisit this post and ask for future reference: would you consider having a policy (http://akamine-chan.dreamwidth.org/281722.html#cutid1)? Whether it is blanket yes, blanket no, or "ask me." I keep finding myself reading your work with the idea of podficcing in mind, and I'd love knowing your stance on how you'd like me (and/or other podficcers) to address that situation when next it happens.

Thanks! I do have a policy, but obviously it's not very easy to find, and it's probably not very clear. So I'll clean it up and put it in my profile like the link you have there suggests. Does that work?

Here it is for quick reference:

Transformative Works Policy:

No work of fanfiction is open verse unless specifically indicated. For all other fanfiction, please ask permission if you would like to write a spinoff or remix.

All of my fanfiction is available to be podficced, illustrated, vidded and translated as long as such actions are for non-commercial purposes and I am credited as the original creator. Please include a link back to my work, if the format of your transformative work allows. I also appreciate receiving notice if you are creating a transformative work based on one of my pieces.

Meta is available for all types of transformative works.

That's awesome, and I love that you specifically mention meta! Off to add your policy to the blanket podfic permission list, yay :D

this is beaaaautttiful. subtle and softspoken, but it's all there. loved it!

Thank you! You're sweet!

This is perfect. It adds a needed insight into Blaine's actions and captures the flavor of the episode which definitely felt like the story of a guy who (as you said) hurts himself, and thereby someone else. Bravo!

Thanks so much for your comments! I'm glad it felt true to the episode for you (although part of me just wants to fix everything now so they are running happily in fields of asters).

This is heartbreaking. You got into his head so well that it really helped me picture what Blaine went through and what his thought process was like.

I am super belatedly making the rounds on all the fic I've been storing up, and dropping by to say how much I love every sentence of this for offering reasons, real reasons, even if they're still hurtful and don't make sense. "This can be like drinking" is perfect. The "if Kurt calls me..." game, and the fact that he rejects it = It doesn't matter, so much, exactly what Blaine does inside that house. What matters is that he goes there, and things start, and he stays.
As much as I like everyone's more detailed speculating, that right there is the only summary we need.

Thanks so much for dropping by and commenting. I'm glad it could help, even if it hurt.

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Freezing (fic) - aka episode reaction to 4.04

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