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wowbrightFic: Falling is Like This [2/5]
Chapter title: On Tuesday, You Made Me Warm
Characters: Kurt/Blaine pre-dating, Rachel, Blaine's roommate (OC)
Rating: PG-13 (entire story)
Spoilers: 2.14 (Blame It On the Alcohol). Incorporates some things we've learned about the characters from canon after 2.14, but no plot spoilers. Spoilers for the movie Love Story in chapter 3 and references to Brokeback Mountain in Chapter 4.
Warnings for this and future chapters: language
Word count: About 17,000 overall, 2,859 this part
Summary: The fact the he enjoyed kissing Rachel at the party is confusing for Blaine. But what's more confusing is Kurt.
Chapter Summary: Blaine is tired of being perfect.
Author’s Note: My attempt at figuring out what was going on in the boys' heads during 'Blame It on the Alcohol' and why that fight in the Lima Bean didn't end their friendship. This story is finished. I'll be posting one chapter a day until all chapters are up (finishes on Friday in U.S.). More complete author's notes will be posted as a separate entry at the end of the week.
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Chapter 2: On Tuesday, You Made Me Warm
It's after 2 a.m. and Blaine is finally almost done with his essay on the Mexican-American War. He just has to clean up his citations a bit. Which is a little hard to do almost four hours past his regular bedtime, but there's really no choice, since he cried and slept his afternoon away instead of doing homework.
His phone flashes and he flips it open. He reads the message (From Kurt: Sorry I am such a dick.), and he would laugh from relief if Justin weren't snoring peacefully in the other bed.
He chews his lip as he thinks about what to say because, yeah, Kurt was a dick. But since talking to Justin, Blaine's been trying to reconstruct the argument in his head – which is actually pretty difficult, because Blaine kind of turned his brain off somewhere in the middle of it – and did he really compare Kurt to Karofsky? Wow. If that's not a dick move, Blaine doesn't know what is.
So he stares and stares at Sorry I'm such a dick and tries to weigh Kurt's bigotry against his own stupidity to see which one is worse, but the scale in his head won't tip either way.
His thumb starts to move over the buttons of his phone.
To Kurt: No. You *were* a dick. Not expecting you to make habit out of it.
From Kurt: You're sweet.
To Kurt: Anyway, I'm no saint, either.
From Kurt: Don't turn this around. I'm trying to apologize.
To Kurt: I'm allowed to apologize, too.
From Kurt: No. *I* am an asshole and *you* really are too kind.
To Kurt: No. I think those might be exactly the wrong words to describe me right now.
From Kurt: Not sure what to say to that.
To Kurt: I'm sorry I'm so confused right now.
From Kurt: I know.
To Kurt: I think it's going to be a really hard week.
From Kurt: Probably.
To Kurt: I wish I was as good as you are at figuring personal stuff out.
From Kurt: That's the impression I try to give. Not sure it's true.
To Kurt: I really don't understand myself sometimes.
From Kurt: I know.
To Kurt: I'm really glad you texted me.
From Kurt: Me too. But I thought you'd be asleep.
To Kurt: Yeah. I should probably go to bed and finish my report in the morning.
From Kurt: Good night?
To Kurt: Good night, Kurt.
From Kurt: Good night, Blaine Warbler.
------------------
Warbler rehearsal goes surprisingly well, given how exhausted Blaine looks. Blaine sits down in his usual place next to Kurt for the first part of the meeting, and even though they don’t really say anything but breathy and slightly embarrassed "hey"s to each other, Kurt feels reassured. Wes announces after warm-ups that they'll start working on "Misery," to which Blaine says, "If you don't mind that I'm going to totally suck. I got, like, three hours of sleep last night."
"Well, there's 15 other people here who need to learn the song, Blaine, so I really don't care," says Wes.
Kurt can see the tops of Blaine's ears flush pink, and is a little flustered by how positively delighted that makes him feel.
Blaine does fine, anyway. He's not somersaulting on the couches or tap-dancing on the tables or dancing flirtingly around the other Warblers. He's just standing there, in one spot, sounding beautifully, appropriately miserable at all the right parts. Kurt never thought a Maroon 5 song could make him feel so – well, make him feel anything.
It's confusing and a little breathtaking to see Blaine this way. He's always been so confident and sure of himself – dangerously so, if Kurt's honest about it. It led to Blaine almost getting the crap beaten out of him by Karofsky that day in the stairwell and it led to Blaine convincing the entirety of the Warblers that it was a great idea to help him sexually harass a Gap employee.
Now that Kurt thinks about it, he realizes that Blaine's self-assurance has been slowly dissipating since that episode at the Gap. Blaine hasn't given Kurt much unsolicited advice lately about the order in which he should do his homework (history first because Dr. Fairfax will never accept a late assignment) or the best spot to sit in the library (back to the south window so he can get the advantage of diffuse sunlight but not be distracted by the birds flitting about the dogwood branches below) or the best shortcuts from any point on campus to any other point (too many to summarize).
When they study together now, Kurt sometimes catches Blaine looking at him, eyebrows scrunched together and lips slightly parted, as if Blaine has gotten stuck on a particularly difficult geometry proof or can't remember the present subjunctive form of asseoir. "Do you need help?" Kurt will say, and Blaine will look a little startled and shake his head or mumble, "No," before turning back to his books.
And then, last week in Blaine's dorm room, Blaine looked up from his email and said, frowning, "Kurt, I need your advice."
Kurt was pretty sure he had never heard Blaine speak those words to anyone, not even a teacher.
"Yes?" Kurt said, taking a sip of coffee to quell his shock.
"My dad found a '58 Corvette Roadster and he says he'll buy it if I want to restore it with him this summer."
Kurt coughed so hard that some of the coffee ran out his nose.
"You okay?" said Blaine, bringing a box of Kleenex over to Kurt. He sat down next to Kurt on the bed and tentatively patted his back.
Kurt wiped his nose and coughed a few more times for good measure. "Yeah, I'm fine," he said. "Just – that's a really nice car. Maybe even better than the Bel Air you guys worked on before."
"I know," sighed Blaine, drawing his hand slowly down Kurt's back before pulling it back into his own lap. He stared at the floor.
Kurt tried to ignore the tingling in his spine. "But?"
"I'm not really all that into cars. Being able to drive them is good. But if mine breaks down, well – " Blaine looked up at Kurt and forced a smile. "Maybe I can just have you fix it for me?"
The skin around Blaine's eyes and jaw twitched almost imperceptibly, and it made Kurt's stomach flip. "What do you want to do, Blaine?"
"I don't want to pretend to my dad anymore. I'm tired of always being what people expect of me, Kurt."
Kurt took a breath. "I, for one, just expect you to be Blaine. And your father needs to learn that that's all he can expect of you, too. You're pretty perfect just the way you are, anyway."
Blaine's smile wasn't forced this time, but it was small, the corners of his mouth just slightly upturned. There was something shy and almost sad about it. "Thanks, Kurt," he said, resting his hand on Kurt's knee for just a second as he stood up. Kurt wished Blaine would have just stayed there and told him what else was wrong.
Desperate and confused. Yes, these seem to be the right lyrics to describe Blaine Anderson these days. It must be why he sounds so good singing this song.
I am in misery.
There ain't nobody who can comfort me.
Why won't you answer me?
The silence is slowly killing me.
Kurt wonders if the fact that he really, really wants to comfort Blaine right now makes him a bit of an angst whore.
After the Warblers have run through the song a few times, Wes tells the section he's been leading that they've got it now, and he walks away from them to listen more closely to Blaine. "Put some more vim into it, Warbler Blaine!" he chirps. It confirms Kurt's suspicion that the Warbler Council could hear angels sing and the only thing they'd have to say about it was that it wasn't peppy enough.
Blaine rolls his eyes at Wes and mouths "three hours of sleep" instead of singing one of the oh yeahs. Kurt thinks it's the closest Blaine has ever come to talking back to someone on the Council, and he rather likes it.
When rehearsal ends, Kurt bends over to grab his messenger bag. He feels a hand on his shoulder and he knows he shouldn't expect Blaine to be ready to speak to him yet, but he hopes it's him, anyway.
"Hey," Kurt exhales as he stands up and catches Blaine's eyes, which are tired and so, so lost.
"Are you going home?" Blaine asks weakly.
"Yeah," Kurt answers. "I told Dad and Carole that I'd make dinner tonight."
"Oh," says Blaine, his eyes darting downward, and Kurt wants to wrap his arms around Blaine and let him bury his face in Kurt's chest. Kurt wants to promise to never, never hurt Blaine again, to always be his refuge.
Instead, Kurt says, "I can walk you to the library, if that's where you're headed."
Blaine smiles, and it's a real smile, bigger than the ones Blaine wore even when he was drunk. And, yes – Kurt is so relieved to see it.
------------------
Not that I didn't care, it's that I didn't know.
It's not what I didn't feel, it's what I didn't show.
Blaine gives Kurt his arm as they step out into the dull, gray February light. The wind is fast and bitter, and Blaine can feel Kurt huddle in a little closer to his side.
"I should probably start out with 'How was your day?', but I think from rehearsal I already know the answer," Kurt says.
"Was I that bad?" says Blaine.
"No. You were that raw," says Kurt. "I thought Wes was out of line. 'Vim' is inappropriate for a song about heartbreak."
"'Vim' is appropriate for every song the Warblers do," says Blaine, kicking the toe of his shoe into a spot of frozen mud as they step onto the quad.
"Respect the wingtips," Kurt says. "Do you know how much Florsheims cost?" For some reason, the admonishment doesn't annoy Blaine – it makes his whole chest feel warm.
They say nothing for a moment, just walking forward with their arms linked, watching the bare trees draw silhouettes against the sky. This is nice, Blaine thinks. Maybe we can just forget yesterday happened.
But then Kurt slows to a stop and he removes his hand from Blaine's arm. Blaine shivers. Kurt's eyes are watering – maybe it's from the wind – and his nostrils tremble with each breath. Kurt looks down at the ground and shoves his hands into his pockets.
"Kurt?"
Kurt raises his eyes to Blaine's, and Blaine's brain trips back into that moment Saturday night when the beauty of Kurt's eyes struck him like a revelation.
"Blaine, I was horrible to you yesterday." Kurt's voice is shaking and it makes Blaine's whole body ache. "I was scared and I freaked out and I turned on my eviscerator. I should never do that to you. I never want to do that to you again."
"Maybe," Blaine says. He hates seeing Kurt in pain. He would do anything to make it it stop. "But I kind of saw it coming, and I didn't do anything to keep it from happening."
"That's not your job."
"I know. I know it isn't. What I mean is, what I mean is that – I haven't been real with you, and I think that kind of set us up for a train wreck. "
Kurt's eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. "What do you mean, 'not real'? Sometimes I think you're honest to a fault." He shoves his hands deeper into the pockets of his overcoat. "Well, not to a fault, exactly. Just, you've been honest with me even when it's not the easiest thing for me to hear." Blaine wonders if Kurt's talking about the When Harry Met Sally discussion or about Blaine's description of Rachel's kissing, but now isn't the time to ask.
Blaine shakes his head. "It's not the stuff I say, Kurt. It's –." He's not sure how to explain it, but Kurt is looking at him patiently, just waiting – not blinking, but not staring, either – and that's helping Blaine to find the words. It's the way that Blaine wanted Kurt to look at him yesterday at the Lima Bean.
"Kurt, ever since I figured out I was gay I've needed everyone to think I'm perfect, that I'm in control, that I know everything, that I'm someone to look up to and I'm charming and flawless and irreproachable. I need them to think those things so they can't hate me, even if they want to."
Kurt keeps his eyes on Blaine's, and God – with all their sympathy and tenderness, they make Blaine feel so strong. "Oh, honey," Kurt sighs.
Blaine grabs Kurt's wrists and tugs them gently until Kurt's hands are free of his pockets. Blaine wraps them in his own. Maybe it's too much – he doesn't know – but he needs to touch Kurt, he needs Kurt's hands to ground him. Even if they're just friends and that's all they'll ever be.
Blaine feels Kurt's thumbs rubbing the back of his fingers and he thinks maybe Kurt needed it too. The thought makes his knees weak, but somehow he keeps standing.
"Kurt, what I need from you –" Blaine swallows hard. He looks down at Kurt's long fingers wrapped in his, and the sight steadies him. "I thought I needed you to think I was perfect, too. So I set myself up to be your role model, Kurt. And I just can't do it anymore. I need you to see who I really am. I'm a kid, and I make mistakes. Sometimes I make really big mistakes and hurt people I really care about."
"And sometimes you're really wonderful," says Kurt, his voice on the edge of breaking.
Blaine looks up at Kurt, those perfect, patient, cerulean eyes, and breathes deeply. "Kurt, I screwed up royally this weekend. So just please, please know that I'm sorry that I hurt you and please – I would feel so much better if I knew that you don't need to look up to me. I just need you – I just need you next to me. Okay?"
"Oh, honey" – there it is again, and Blaine's heart skips a beat even as he tells himself that Kurt calls Mercedes that all the time and anyway Blaine doesn't really want it to mean anything more than that when he's not drunk, right? – "I kind of had my suspicions that you were human."
Oh, shit. Kurt is crying. And Blaine thinks he should probably feel really bad about that because the last thing Kurt would want is to have tears streaking down his face in a bitter, 16-mile-an-hour-wind and he is going to have to use so much moisturizer to make up for that; but Kurt is smiling and all Blaine can feel is warmth and joy.
Kurt pulls Blaine's head to his shoulder, wraps his arms around Blaine's back, and Blaine feels so safe. He wishes he could hear Kurt's heart beat through that heavy wool coat. Instead, he hears Kurt whisper, "And yes, I'll stand by your side as long as you let me."
They stay like that for a while as Kurt sniffling slows. He finally murmurs into Blaine's forehead, "My ears are freezing. I'd better get you to the library."
They resume their walk across the quad, and though Kurt doesn't take Blaine's arm again, they are close enough that their arms are touching from shoulder to elbow.
"Kurt – " Blaine starts, but Kurt interrupts him.
"You should go on that date with Rachel," Kurt says. That wasn't what Blaine had been about to bring up, but, okay. "She's a nice girl. Well, underneath it all. A little challenging to one's patience, maybe. But I think you'll have a good time."
They walk in silence the rest of the way to the library.
------------------
From Kurt: You asleep yet?
From Blaine Warbler: No.
From Kurt: Nervous about your big date?
From Blaine Warbler: No. Homework. But I haven't figured out what to wear.
From Kurt: You don't usually have a problem with that.
From Blaine Warbler: Promised I would dress up as Ryan O'Neal.
From Kurt: Not exactly known for his fashion sense.
From Blaine Warbler: She found a movie theater that's playing Love Story.
From Kurt: Charming. Haven't you seen that like a dozen times?
From Blaine Warbler: Got all of Ali McGraw's lines memorized.
From Kurt: Hopefully not too well. Rachel's a little competitive about things like that.
From Blaine Warbler: Does she have them memorized too?
From Kurt: Oh yes. She tried to convince me last year that it would be perfect for sectionals, and I had to keep pointing out that it's not a musical.
From Blaine Warbler: Not to sound like a 13-year-old girl, but LOL.
From Kurt: To be fair, she said she could turn it into one. And I'm sure she could.
--------end of chapter--------
Chapter 3: Another Wednesday of Things I Haven't Done Author's notes: Thanks again to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
verdandil for betaing! Any mistakes or stupidity are fully my own. (Comment or message if you catch any errors.)
You've probably already heard Blaine singing "Misery" umpteen-billion times, but in case you haven't, here it is. Just keep in mind that this isn't at all how he sings it in this chapter.
Here is a rainbow unicorn with heart forlikeasouffle and anyone else who needs it.
Oh, and please comment, because I am a comment whore. The more comments I get, the more I write!
Chapter title: On Tuesday, You Made Me Warm
Characters: Kurt/Blaine pre-dating, Rachel, Blaine's roommate (OC)
Rating: PG-13 (entire story)
Spoilers: 2.14 (Blame It On the Alcohol). Incorporates some things we've learned about the characters from canon after 2.14, but no plot spoilers. Spoilers for the movie Love Story in chapter 3 and references to Brokeback Mountain in Chapter 4.
Warnings for this and future chapters: language
Word count: About 17,000 overall, 2,859 this part
Summary: The fact the he enjoyed kissing Rachel at the party is confusing for Blaine. But what's more confusing is Kurt.
Chapter Summary: Blaine is tired of being perfect.
Author’s Note: My attempt at figuring out what was going on in the boys' heads during 'Blame It on the Alcohol' and why that fight in the Lima Bean didn't end their friendship. This story is finished. I'll be posting one chapter a day until all chapters are up (finishes on Friday in U.S.). More complete author's notes will be posted as a separate entry at the end of the week.
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Chapter 2: On Tuesday, You Made Me Warm
It's after 2 a.m. and Blaine is finally almost done with his essay on the Mexican-American War. He just has to clean up his citations a bit. Which is a little hard to do almost four hours past his regular bedtime, but there's really no choice, since he cried and slept his afternoon away instead of doing homework.
His phone flashes and he flips it open. He reads the message (From Kurt: Sorry I am such a dick.), and he would laugh from relief if Justin weren't snoring peacefully in the other bed.
He chews his lip as he thinks about what to say because, yeah, Kurt was a dick. But since talking to Justin, Blaine's been trying to reconstruct the argument in his head – which is actually pretty difficult, because Blaine kind of turned his brain off somewhere in the middle of it – and did he really compare Kurt to Karofsky? Wow. If that's not a dick move, Blaine doesn't know what is.
So he stares and stares at Sorry I'm such a dick and tries to weigh Kurt's bigotry against his own stupidity to see which one is worse, but the scale in his head won't tip either way.
His thumb starts to move over the buttons of his phone.
To Kurt: No. You *were* a dick. Not expecting you to make habit out of it.
From Kurt: You're sweet.
To Kurt: Anyway, I'm no saint, either.
From Kurt: Don't turn this around. I'm trying to apologize.
To Kurt: I'm allowed to apologize, too.
From Kurt: No. *I* am an asshole and *you* really are too kind.
To Kurt: No. I think those might be exactly the wrong words to describe me right now.
From Kurt: Not sure what to say to that.
To Kurt: I'm sorry I'm so confused right now.
From Kurt: I know.
To Kurt: I think it's going to be a really hard week.
From Kurt: Probably.
To Kurt: I wish I was as good as you are at figuring personal stuff out.
From Kurt: That's the impression I try to give. Not sure it's true.
To Kurt: I really don't understand myself sometimes.
From Kurt: I know.
To Kurt: I'm really glad you texted me.
From Kurt: Me too. But I thought you'd be asleep.
To Kurt: Yeah. I should probably go to bed and finish my report in the morning.
From Kurt: Good night?
To Kurt: Good night, Kurt.
From Kurt: Good night, Blaine Warbler.
------------------
Warbler rehearsal goes surprisingly well, given how exhausted Blaine looks. Blaine sits down in his usual place next to Kurt for the first part of the meeting, and even though they don’t really say anything but breathy and slightly embarrassed "hey"s to each other, Kurt feels reassured. Wes announces after warm-ups that they'll start working on "Misery," to which Blaine says, "If you don't mind that I'm going to totally suck. I got, like, three hours of sleep last night."
"Well, there's 15 other people here who need to learn the song, Blaine, so I really don't care," says Wes.
Kurt can see the tops of Blaine's ears flush pink, and is a little flustered by how positively delighted that makes him feel.
Blaine does fine, anyway. He's not somersaulting on the couches or tap-dancing on the tables or dancing flirtingly around the other Warblers. He's just standing there, in one spot, sounding beautifully, appropriately miserable at all the right parts. Kurt never thought a Maroon 5 song could make him feel so – well, make him feel anything.
It's confusing and a little breathtaking to see Blaine this way. He's always been so confident and sure of himself – dangerously so, if Kurt's honest about it. It led to Blaine almost getting the crap beaten out of him by Karofsky that day in the stairwell and it led to Blaine convincing the entirety of the Warblers that it was a great idea to help him sexually harass a Gap employee.
Now that Kurt thinks about it, he realizes that Blaine's self-assurance has been slowly dissipating since that episode at the Gap. Blaine hasn't given Kurt much unsolicited advice lately about the order in which he should do his homework (history first because Dr. Fairfax will never accept a late assignment) or the best spot to sit in the library (back to the south window so he can get the advantage of diffuse sunlight but not be distracted by the birds flitting about the dogwood branches below) or the best shortcuts from any point on campus to any other point (too many to summarize).
When they study together now, Kurt sometimes catches Blaine looking at him, eyebrows scrunched together and lips slightly parted, as if Blaine has gotten stuck on a particularly difficult geometry proof or can't remember the present subjunctive form of asseoir. "Do you need help?" Kurt will say, and Blaine will look a little startled and shake his head or mumble, "No," before turning back to his books.
And then, last week in Blaine's dorm room, Blaine looked up from his email and said, frowning, "Kurt, I need your advice."
Kurt was pretty sure he had never heard Blaine speak those words to anyone, not even a teacher.
"Yes?" Kurt said, taking a sip of coffee to quell his shock.
"My dad found a '58 Corvette Roadster and he says he'll buy it if I want to restore it with him this summer."
Kurt coughed so hard that some of the coffee ran out his nose.
"You okay?" said Blaine, bringing a box of Kleenex over to Kurt. He sat down next to Kurt on the bed and tentatively patted his back.
Kurt wiped his nose and coughed a few more times for good measure. "Yeah, I'm fine," he said. "Just – that's a really nice car. Maybe even better than the Bel Air you guys worked on before."
"I know," sighed Blaine, drawing his hand slowly down Kurt's back before pulling it back into his own lap. He stared at the floor.
Kurt tried to ignore the tingling in his spine. "But?"
"I'm not really all that into cars. Being able to drive them is good. But if mine breaks down, well – " Blaine looked up at Kurt and forced a smile. "Maybe I can just have you fix it for me?"
The skin around Blaine's eyes and jaw twitched almost imperceptibly, and it made Kurt's stomach flip. "What do you want to do, Blaine?"
"I don't want to pretend to my dad anymore. I'm tired of always being what people expect of me, Kurt."
Kurt took a breath. "I, for one, just expect you to be Blaine. And your father needs to learn that that's all he can expect of you, too. You're pretty perfect just the way you are, anyway."
Blaine's smile wasn't forced this time, but it was small, the corners of his mouth just slightly upturned. There was something shy and almost sad about it. "Thanks, Kurt," he said, resting his hand on Kurt's knee for just a second as he stood up. Kurt wished Blaine would have just stayed there and told him what else was wrong.
Desperate and confused. Yes, these seem to be the right lyrics to describe Blaine Anderson these days. It must be why he sounds so good singing this song.
I am in misery.
There ain't nobody who can comfort me.
Why won't you answer me?
The silence is slowly killing me.
Kurt wonders if the fact that he really, really wants to comfort Blaine right now makes him a bit of an angst whore.
After the Warblers have run through the song a few times, Wes tells the section he's been leading that they've got it now, and he walks away from them to listen more closely to Blaine. "Put some more vim into it, Warbler Blaine!" he chirps. It confirms Kurt's suspicion that the Warbler Council could hear angels sing and the only thing they'd have to say about it was that it wasn't peppy enough.
Blaine rolls his eyes at Wes and mouths "three hours of sleep" instead of singing one of the oh yeahs. Kurt thinks it's the closest Blaine has ever come to talking back to someone on the Council, and he rather likes it.
When rehearsal ends, Kurt bends over to grab his messenger bag. He feels a hand on his shoulder and he knows he shouldn't expect Blaine to be ready to speak to him yet, but he hopes it's him, anyway.
"Hey," Kurt exhales as he stands up and catches Blaine's eyes, which are tired and so, so lost.
"Are you going home?" Blaine asks weakly.
"Yeah," Kurt answers. "I told Dad and Carole that I'd make dinner tonight."
"Oh," says Blaine, his eyes darting downward, and Kurt wants to wrap his arms around Blaine and let him bury his face in Kurt's chest. Kurt wants to promise to never, never hurt Blaine again, to always be his refuge.
Instead, Kurt says, "I can walk you to the library, if that's where you're headed."
Blaine smiles, and it's a real smile, bigger than the ones Blaine wore even when he was drunk. And, yes – Kurt is so relieved to see it.
------------------
Not that I didn't care, it's that I didn't know.
It's not what I didn't feel, it's what I didn't show.
Blaine gives Kurt his arm as they step out into the dull, gray February light. The wind is fast and bitter, and Blaine can feel Kurt huddle in a little closer to his side.
"I should probably start out with 'How was your day?', but I think from rehearsal I already know the answer," Kurt says.
"Was I that bad?" says Blaine.
"No. You were that raw," says Kurt. "I thought Wes was out of line. 'Vim' is inappropriate for a song about heartbreak."
"'Vim' is appropriate for every song the Warblers do," says Blaine, kicking the toe of his shoe into a spot of frozen mud as they step onto the quad.
"Respect the wingtips," Kurt says. "Do you know how much Florsheims cost?" For some reason, the admonishment doesn't annoy Blaine – it makes his whole chest feel warm.
They say nothing for a moment, just walking forward with their arms linked, watching the bare trees draw silhouettes against the sky. This is nice, Blaine thinks. Maybe we can just forget yesterday happened.
But then Kurt slows to a stop and he removes his hand from Blaine's arm. Blaine shivers. Kurt's eyes are watering – maybe it's from the wind – and his nostrils tremble with each breath. Kurt looks down at the ground and shoves his hands into his pockets.
"Kurt?"
Kurt raises his eyes to Blaine's, and Blaine's brain trips back into that moment Saturday night when the beauty of Kurt's eyes struck him like a revelation.
"Blaine, I was horrible to you yesterday." Kurt's voice is shaking and it makes Blaine's whole body ache. "I was scared and I freaked out and I turned on my eviscerator. I should never do that to you. I never want to do that to you again."
"Maybe," Blaine says. He hates seeing Kurt in pain. He would do anything to make it it stop. "But I kind of saw it coming, and I didn't do anything to keep it from happening."
"That's not your job."
"I know. I know it isn't. What I mean is, what I mean is that – I haven't been real with you, and I think that kind of set us up for a train wreck. "
Kurt's eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. "What do you mean, 'not real'? Sometimes I think you're honest to a fault." He shoves his hands deeper into the pockets of his overcoat. "Well, not to a fault, exactly. Just, you've been honest with me even when it's not the easiest thing for me to hear." Blaine wonders if Kurt's talking about the When Harry Met Sally discussion or about Blaine's description of Rachel's kissing, but now isn't the time to ask.
Blaine shakes his head. "It's not the stuff I say, Kurt. It's –." He's not sure how to explain it, but Kurt is looking at him patiently, just waiting – not blinking, but not staring, either – and that's helping Blaine to find the words. It's the way that Blaine wanted Kurt to look at him yesterday at the Lima Bean.
"Kurt, ever since I figured out I was gay I've needed everyone to think I'm perfect, that I'm in control, that I know everything, that I'm someone to look up to and I'm charming and flawless and irreproachable. I need them to think those things so they can't hate me, even if they want to."
Kurt keeps his eyes on Blaine's, and God – with all their sympathy and tenderness, they make Blaine feel so strong. "Oh, honey," Kurt sighs.
Blaine grabs Kurt's wrists and tugs them gently until Kurt's hands are free of his pockets. Blaine wraps them in his own. Maybe it's too much – he doesn't know – but he needs to touch Kurt, he needs Kurt's hands to ground him. Even if they're just friends and that's all they'll ever be.
Blaine feels Kurt's thumbs rubbing the back of his fingers and he thinks maybe Kurt needed it too. The thought makes his knees weak, but somehow he keeps standing.
"Kurt, what I need from you –" Blaine swallows hard. He looks down at Kurt's long fingers wrapped in his, and the sight steadies him. "I thought I needed you to think I was perfect, too. So I set myself up to be your role model, Kurt. And I just can't do it anymore. I need you to see who I really am. I'm a kid, and I make mistakes. Sometimes I make really big mistakes and hurt people I really care about."
"And sometimes you're really wonderful," says Kurt, his voice on the edge of breaking.
Blaine looks up at Kurt, those perfect, patient, cerulean eyes, and breathes deeply. "Kurt, I screwed up royally this weekend. So just please, please know that I'm sorry that I hurt you and please – I would feel so much better if I knew that you don't need to look up to me. I just need you – I just need you next to me. Okay?"
"Oh, honey" – there it is again, and Blaine's heart skips a beat even as he tells himself that Kurt calls Mercedes that all the time and anyway Blaine doesn't really want it to mean anything more than that when he's not drunk, right? – "I kind of had my suspicions that you were human."
Oh, shit. Kurt is crying. And Blaine thinks he should probably feel really bad about that because the last thing Kurt would want is to have tears streaking down his face in a bitter, 16-mile-an-hour-wind and he is going to have to use so much moisturizer to make up for that; but Kurt is smiling and all Blaine can feel is warmth and joy.
Kurt pulls Blaine's head to his shoulder, wraps his arms around Blaine's back, and Blaine feels so safe. He wishes he could hear Kurt's heart beat through that heavy wool coat. Instead, he hears Kurt whisper, "And yes, I'll stand by your side as long as you let me."
They stay like that for a while as Kurt sniffling slows. He finally murmurs into Blaine's forehead, "My ears are freezing. I'd better get you to the library."
They resume their walk across the quad, and though Kurt doesn't take Blaine's arm again, they are close enough that their arms are touching from shoulder to elbow.
"Kurt – " Blaine starts, but Kurt interrupts him.
"You should go on that date with Rachel," Kurt says. That wasn't what Blaine had been about to bring up, but, okay. "She's a nice girl. Well, underneath it all. A little challenging to one's patience, maybe. But I think you'll have a good time."
They walk in silence the rest of the way to the library.
------------------
From Kurt: You asleep yet?
From Blaine Warbler: No.
From Kurt: Nervous about your big date?
From Blaine Warbler: No. Homework. But I haven't figured out what to wear.
From Kurt: You don't usually have a problem with that.
From Blaine Warbler: Promised I would dress up as Ryan O'Neal.
From Kurt: Not exactly known for his fashion sense.
From Blaine Warbler: She found a movie theater that's playing Love Story.
From Kurt: Charming. Haven't you seen that like a dozen times?
From Blaine Warbler: Got all of Ali McGraw's lines memorized.
From Kurt: Hopefully not too well. Rachel's a little competitive about things like that.
From Blaine Warbler: Does she have them memorized too?
From Kurt: Oh yes. She tried to convince me last year that it would be perfect for sectionals, and I had to keep pointing out that it's not a musical.
From Blaine Warbler: Not to sound like a 13-year-old girl, but LOL.
From Kurt: To be fair, she said she could turn it into one. And I'm sure she could.
--------end of chapter--------
Chapter 3: Another Wednesday of Things I Haven't Done Author's notes: Thanks again to
verdandil for betaing! Any mistakes or stupidity are fully my own. (Comment or message if you catch any errors.)You've probably already heard Blaine singing "Misery" umpteen-billion times, but in case you haven't, here it is. Just keep in mind that this isn't at all how he sings it in this chapter.
Here is a rainbow unicorn with heart for
likeasouffle and anyone else who needs it.Oh, and please comment, because I am a comment whore. The more comments I get, the more I write!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 05:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 06:01 pm (UTC)It was a difficult decision to post just once a day, but it was too long to fit in one entry, and my beta said it was too difficult to read in one sitting, and it takes place over five days, so I decided to post each day on the corresponding day of the week (so now you know a little of the why). Also, it gives me a chance to do last-minute revisions on each section without drowning in the whole thing (I am an obsessive reviser/editor).
And I'm glad Misery worked for you. I am always nervous about putting lyrics in a story.
I'm sure the Glee writers wanted to put Misery in that episode, but Maroon 5 had some stipulation that Darren Criss wasn't allowed to sound like he was on the verge of tears the entire time he sang it, so they had to put it off until a future episode when Blaine was a little more together :)
no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 06:56 pm (UTC)I also liked the use of the song in the chapter.
Here be Season 3.1, 3.2 and 3.5 spoilers
Date: 2011-11-29 09:07 pm (UTC)And they stay broken up all summer, although maybe they try to return to being friends, until Kurt starts dating some other guy and Blaine just has to break down and sing "It's Not Unusual." And Kurt sees the light, and Blaine sees the change in his eyes but Kurt still holds back until Blaine sings "Something's Coming" because he knows he's gonna get Kurt back. And they are back in each other's arms, except this time they know each other better and they won't let go so easily, and it's kisses and love and rainbows and unicorns and a few episodes later they get as married as two guys can get in Ohio by singing "One Hand One Heart" to each other.
Has someone written an AU Klaine relationship based on the song choices? I want to read it.
Re: Here be Season 3.1, 3.2 and 3.5 spoilers
Date: 2011-12-02 08:45 am (UTC)Re: Here be Season 3.1, 3.2 and 3.5 spoilers
Date: 2011-12-02 08:46 pm (UTC)Re: Here be Season 3.1, 3.2 and 3.5 spoilers
Date: 2011-12-02 08:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 10:05 pm (UTC)And that does make a whole lotta sense, day by day. And it's always nice to have something to look forward to. :)
no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 05:57 pm (UTC)I'mBlaine is in love with Kurt. So lovely.no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 06:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 06:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 06:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 06:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 06:46 pm (UTC)Still loving it.
Still can't wait for more.
Thank you so much <3
no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 08:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 06:51 pm (UTC)It makes total sense to me that Blaine was just pretending all that time to be really confident and sure of himself so no one would hate him. And that Wes just wants everything to have more vim, hahahaha.
I liked this part a lot:
He chews his lip as he thinks about what to say because, yeah, Kurt was a dick. But since talking to Justin, Blaine's been trying to reconstruct the argument in his head – which is actually pretty difficult, because Blaine kind of turned his brain off somewhere in the middle of it – and did he really compare Kurt to Karofsky? Wow. If that's not a dick move, Blaine doesn't know what is.
So he stares and stares at Sorry I'm such a dick and tries to weigh Kurt's bigotry against his own stupidity to see which one is worse, but the scale in his head won't tip either way.
In conclusion:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWM2joNb9NE
no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 08:52 pm (UTC)That YouTube video is the best thing ever. No, I will NOT spend the rest of my day watching his channel. *clicks back on YouTube*
no subject
Date: 2011-12-02 08:42 am (UTC)Also, I highly approve of the notion of stalking the pink fluffy unicorn song guy's YouTube account. That guy is awesome.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 08:06 pm (UTC)That's right, Kurt; it's exactly what Blaine needs to heard and one day realize.
Blaine really just wrenches my heart out, because he's trying so hard all the time, constantly trying to reconcile who he is with who he ought to be, when it's impossible. The verbalization of Blaine's conflict is perhaps what touched me most - while he is conscious that he is putting on a facade, he remains trapped in the mold that has been set for him. Thank goodness for Kurt.
My heart.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 10:06 pm (UTC)How you write these two characters is pretty astounding and it leaves me in awe how you have them so them down to an art, if that makes any sense. I cannot wait to read the rest of this.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 10:22 pm (UTC)Wait, is that me being bad at taking a compliment? I mean, thank you and I am really glad you are enjoying it! :)
no subject
Date: 2011-11-29 11:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-30 12:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-30 03:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-30 05:10 am (UTC)And re: teaching - shucks, make me blush! Sure, I could try, although I think you have a few things to teach me, too, so it would have to be reciprocal :)
And obviously in love - yes, Blainers, when are you going to see it?!
no subject
Date: 2011-11-30 06:53 am (UTC)This is so great. I so much want all of these missing scenes. And Blaine being human. <3
no subject
Date: 2011-12-01 12:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-05 07:59 pm (UTC)I'll summarize, okay?
They TALK. Because of course they did, come on. They couldn't not talk at all between their argument and the kiss in Lima Bean.
Blaine. Open, vulnerable and admitting he's just human, not some role-model.
Honest conversations and actions and so much care.
And I love you and everything you write.
That's it, in short.
no subject
Date: 2011-12-09 10:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-22 01:55 pm (UTC)The characterization is spot on, still, don't take this as criticism, I still think this is perfect - I went through something similar to Blaine's experience not too long ago, I know it takes over your thoughts 100%. I just still can't stop scowling at him and want to shake him and just ask: "I understand you feel like shit and all, I really do, it's the worst, but please stop thinking about yourself for just one minute and consider how Kurt must feel!"
Anyway, I can't wait till Blaine gets there.
no subject
Date: 2011-12-22 05:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-12 05:54 pm (UTC)"Oh, honey" – there it is again, and Blaine's heart skips a beat even as he tells himself that Kurt calls Mercedes that all the time and anyway Blaine doesn't really want it to mean anything more than that when he's not drunk, right? – "I kind of had my suspicions that you were human." :: Oh what I'd give to see CC & DC act this scene out. Poor, beautiful Blaine - always trying to be so grown up. Sweet, precious Blaine. And Kurt, *kurt* - all knives and sharp edges, but pfft, u're really just a giant heart!
You've captured the ache, longing, confusion beautifully. You're filling in the gaps well. I MISS them in the time of Dalton.
*hugs* THANK YOU FOR WRITING!
no subject
Date: 2012-09-14 04:09 am (UTC)*hugs* Thank YOU for reading and commenting so kindly!