Blaine headcanon makes me want to cry

[wowbright]

I didn't watch Glee last night and continued writing some episode 3.05 reaction fic today. Except that I don't know if I will ever post it, because I don't know if I'll continue it, because Blaine is making me so depressed! I mean, I know the episode ends in happiness, but that kid is soooo lacking in the self-worth department at times throughout the episode that I am just beside myself.

I don't know if self-worth is the right word. It's just that Blaine thinks he has to be what other people want him to be, and sometimes forgets that he has his own internal dignity that doesn't depend on how many people like him or approve of his choices.

Blaine, please, get to an Alateen meeting already before you make me cry!

In the non-Glee, cheerful upside, this is Trans Awareness Week and I'm currently reading an awesome book called Gender Born, Gender Made by psychologist Diane Ehrensaft. It's about raising children who don't fall into neat categories in the binary gender system. I highly recommend it whether you are a parent of gender-variant kids or not.

Comments

[verdandil.livejournal.com]

Blaine's self-perception does heavily depend on the feedback others give him - and naturally it is like that for everyone, but even more so for him. I feel like he relies on validation from external sources than the generally comfrtoable-in-their-own-skin person, and he requires it even more from those who are truly important to them. I believe this is why he was so upset in BIOTA when Kurt didn't support him.

In some way, he might feel the need to compensate for something - my headcanon being his father not completely accepting his sexual orientation - and thus constantly tries send the signal "I'm worth something" to others by overtly performing, and waiting to get a confirmation.

I find that kind of dependance heartbreaking, mainly because I can relate to it. You get hurt more easily than anyone due to expectations - of yourself, towards others - you're so much more vulnerable because your self-worth, as you say, does not repose on solid foundations, and too often it's not a conscious process.

On another note, it makes the dynamics of Kurt and Blaine's relationship fascinating, because Kurt is much more independent - "Being different is what makes me special" - and I do believe much of Blaine's love for him derives from admiration. And it'll make him strive harder, because when Blaine says,"I want you to be", what I really hear is "I need you to be".

That's my theory anyhow. (Sometimes, I wonder if I overthink/overanalyze matters.)

I'm working on a Kurt-centric fic right now, and I'm in the same situation. I'm no good with angst. But, even if you never finish your piece, if you'd like to share it, I'd be more than willing to read it.

[wowbright.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, I wonder if I overthink/overanalyze matters.

I don't think you do. Because if you do, that means I do.

(Of course, people I know might say I overanalyze things. My mother used to say I should become a Jesuit because I would never tire of trying to figure out how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.)

I second everything you say. I wonder how much our headcanons on Blaine's father coincide. I am very tempted to write a detailed meta right here of what I think is going on there, but then I might lose the motivation to write about it in a fic, so I won't.

I went for a bike ride this evening and started having happier thoughts about Blaine, so I think I'll be able to push myself through this. I really want to.

On another front, I touched the BIOTA story yesterday and got about halfway through tweaking it, so hopefully I will have LOTS of reading for you soon.

[lesley-green.livejournal.com]

Blaine HeadCanon! makes me want to cry, too. It's a really tough balance that he's got going, other people being happy is a precursor to his own happiness. Like, he won't relax until he feels safe, but feeling safe is really hard for him for ambiguous reasons? Hopefully the writers will tell us why sometime?

Have you read this? (http://missgoalie75.livejournal.com/31198.html) It's one of the only post-eps I read because I don't read the hard stuff, but it brought me back to that time in my first high school production when I messed up on a lift on stage in front of everyone and kept beating myself up for it. Without saying the words, missgoalie75 seriously got into my head, "Why didn't I practice more? Why can't I do anything right? Why did I try out? I'm only in ninth grade; I'm sure someone older and smarter than me could have done a better job. Why would anyone cast me, anyway? I don't belong here or anywhere. Why didn't I practice more?" You know. If you're in the mood for wallowing in Blaine's self-esteem sadtimes.

[wowbright.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the link. I haven't read it but will go do so now. I don't remember seeing it on Kurt_Blaine, but there was so much there after the show I could have easily missed it.

Your comment reminded me of two other Blaine self-esteem post-ep fics I read "Your Love Will Be Safe With Me" by andshesthemoon that goes into all of Blaine's feelings, and also "All Things to All People" by Rainbow_Jen, rated PG-13 and G, respectively.

I don't know if I want the show writers to get too much into the *why* of Blaine because what if he doesn't turn out to be the child of an alcoholic? Then my headcanon will have a crisis!